Coach Alisa

My Pursuit of Happiness

Before learning the Six Intimacy Skills™ I thought my relationship was pretty good. I had done a lot of therapy and personal development over the years to manage my anger and depression. We were finally healing from past trauma in our relationship.

Or so I thought, until my husband shared that he was yet again on the fence regarding our relationship.

I was heartbroken and embarrassed. Above all, I was disappointed that regardless of all of my changes, I still wasn’t good enough for him. I felt genuinely sad to know that my husband was lonely in our relationship and didn’t feel heard or loved.

After fourteen years of marriage, I still hadn’t gotten it right. I still didn’t know how to love my husband.

The next day, the hurt settled in and my rage was triggered. I texted him all of the questions and snide remarks to make it clear how much I deserved his devotion.

Gratefully I found the Skills that evening. After a two-hour conversation with a friend, I was convinced to listen to Laura’s audiobook, subscribe to her podcast, and begin practicing the Skills.

I was reluctant. I had worked so hard in the past, only to fall short. What if I tried and it didn’t work? Putting myself out there again felt incredibly vulnerable, but I knew I at least had to try.

I listened to the podcast during my morning runs. I didn’t even know that feeling desired in a marriage was a thing. I was intrigued and inspired. When I listened to the audiobook, my heart softened. I saw pitfalls in the way I approached our relationship. I saw how disrespectful I’d been to my husband over the years. My eyes were opened to the full responsibility of making myself happy.

I dove into perpetual self-care. I did as much as I could each day, three things at the very least.

I found what soothed my soul—reading a book of comforting quotes, crying for a short, pre-set amount of time, journaling out my anger and hurt and letting it go, confiding in a close friend—and what enlivened it: going on a girl’s trip, paddle boarding on a nearby lake, getting in ridiculously great shape, grabbing takeout for no special occasion, and listing my dreams.

I even bought myself a new dress as a reward for finishing Laura’s book and being willing to try again.

I began expressing gratitude daily to my husband. It was the first time that I truly appreciated him giving me my dream of being a full-time, stay-at-home mother. Again my heart was softened and I saw things from his perspective. He worked day in and day out to provide financially and emotionally what he felt our kids and I needed. He was doing the best that he could.

I also stopped doing things. I stopped stressing about the mess in the house, even when my husband made comments. I stopped feeling pressure to cook and do dishes each night. I stopped handling finances. I stopped feeling responsible for my husband’s happiness and his commitment to our relationship.

I was amazed at how happy and at peace I felt despite my husband’s place on the fence. Long, draining conversations and arguments were replaced with simple phrases like “Ouch,” “I hear you,” and “Whatever you think.”

My husband became my hero, giving me expensive gifts, helping around the home, taking the kids on road trips to give me alone time, and planning weekend retreats for the two of us.

The intimacy in our bedroom skyrocketed as I focused on expressing my love for my husband vulnerably and intimately. He said “I love you” for the first time in years. I really did feel desired! It was a miracle.

Despite this miracle, my husband occasionally mentioned separation. I feared falling back into anger and lashing out. I joined Relationship Coach Training for accountability and support to have a lasting breakthrough.

I cannot put into words the strength that comes from having other committed women standing for you and your marriage.

One pivotal moment was when my husband accepted a job in another state. He shared with me his uncertainty around the kids and I moving there with him. In the past I would have let his fears influence the decision of where I needed to be. This time my desire was clear: I would love to move out there! He immediately started talking about which route I could take to get there, supporting me in my desire in spite of his own concerns.

To my disappointment, the kids and I ended up moving into his childhood home while he moved across the country for his new job. I was grateful to be in Coach Training to help me navigate that transition! I stepped into gratitude yet again and kept my focus on all of the things I loved about my new home and community. I shared my joy with my husband while vulnerably sharing how much I missed him.

Before I knew it, he was flying home every chance he could, always reserving at least one night at a hotel for just the two of us. One weekend he even flew me out to see him and we spent the night in a fancy hotel in a big city. Now he’s making plans to move back home.

The tables have turned. Instead of me chasing him across the country, he is coming back to me! All I had to do was discover happiness for myself exactly where I was.

I am grateful that I get to reflect on the miraculous transformation in our relationship again and again as I share my story with other women, inspiring them to find the same level of peace, passion and intimacy for themselves.