Coach Amanda

From Fear to Faith

As the years ticked by, I despaired when every relationship I got into seemed to go nowhere. If I didn’t lose interest first, I would try not to make waves, but the guy would always want to end the relationship.

At thirty-eight, I finally met the man of my dreams. When I was with him, I laughed so hard my belly ached. I walked around smiling and singing all the time. My lifelong desire to be partnered with a wonderful man was finally coming true.

I wanted to be a mother, but he wasn’t ready to be a dad anytime in the next fifteen years. By then I’d be in my mid-fifties and getting pregnant wouldn’t be an option anymore. I wanted to be with him, though, so I just hoped it would work out. Every few months we would have a fight about it. In spite of that, we moved in together.

I had two weeks of bliss. Then, without warning, he went from telling me he loved me dozens of times a day to having blow-ups every few hours. I was sure it was because he was depressed after losing his job in the pandemic.

My work was one thing that set him off, so I started working less. When I had plans, that set him off too. So I stopped scheduling so many things and made time to go on spontaneous adventures with him. That helped for a short time, but then out of nowhere he would get frustrated and criticize me. I would freeze and be silent, or I would say I needed some space. Then I would call a friend and come back and tell him that I had gotten scared. “I already know that!” he would say. “Stop getting so scared!”

And that only made me more scared, scared that my fear would push him away more.

Finally he agreed to do couple’s coaching with me. During the session, the coach declared that we were broken up. A couple months later my boyfriend moved out and left town. I put my stuff in storage and flew across the country to my parents’ house.

I felt like a complete failure: thirty-nine years old, dumped, single, no family of my own, staying with my parents.

Eventually he wouldn’t even return my texts. In spite of all the tools, training, and support I had, it hadn’t worked out. I was devastated. There was no one in the world I could imagine loving the way I loved him. I couldn’t imagine getting over him in time to have a child with another man.

So I realized I just couldn’t. Most mothers I knew were raising their children alone anyway. I would just go into it with eyes wide open. I started a bank account with the label “Baby.”

Then a friend recommended a book called The Empowered Wife. I practically screamed out loud when I got to the part about conflicting desires. My boyfriend was texting with me again, so I typed: “I want to be a mother, and I want to be with you exactly as you are.” I told him that I had come to terms with being a single mother because I couldn’t force myself to get over him. And then I told him the most vulnerable part: I couldn’t imagine any other man in the world being the sperm donor but him.

I felt nervous to tell him, but I also felt calm. I had already lost him, so there was nothing left to lose.

Well, I was so surprised at his response! He texted me that the love between us would be honored by or would even be able to reach full expression in a child. He wrote that he hoped for other outcomes where we got to raise our child together rather than me raising his child without him.

I hardly slept that night. A week later he came back to our city and his passion for me was not only back, but it was stronger than ever.

Now I had a second chance and I couldn’t get help fast enough. I arrived gasping at my first group call in The Ridiculously Happy Wives program. As soon as there was a chance to sign up for Relationship Coach Training, I knew that was for me. As an almost forty-year-old woman, I knew that having a loving relationship was the most important thing to me, even if I never used the training professionally.

Now we go weeks without conflict. When he seeks me out at the end of my workday, I shriek with laughter, sometimes upside down on his shoulders while he trots around our house.

Recently he surprised me by borrowing a car and driving two hours to pick me up from an appointment so that I didn’t have to take a bus home. Later he told me he wants to spend more time with me and that’s why he’s going to change his job.

Relationship Coach Training has transformed my other relationships, too. Like the rest of my family, I was always so critical of my brother (behind his back) for how he yelled at his sons. He was a tyrant!

With my new lens, I saw how disrespectful that was. I apologized to my brother for criticizing him in front of everyone at Thanksgiving a few years before. I told him I respected him for the wonderful life he had created for his family. When I finished speaking, tears were rolling down his cheeks. He thanked me and offered an apology in return.

And then there’s my parents. During one visit, I found myself sitting between them in the backseat of an Uber. In the past, I would have been irritated by their questions and comments. Now that I was in Coach Training, I was so touched by their love for me that I was moved to tears.

Later, my mom took me to a yarn store and told me to pick out a color I liked. She wanted to make me some hand warmers for writing on the computer in the winter because I get cold so easily. I used to think “She doesn’t really care about me” or “She doesn’t know how to love me.” Now I realized “This is how mom says I love you!”

I’m so grateful I got to shift my perspective and see my parents with eyes of gratitude while they’re still alive and well.

It’s not that my life is perfect now. My boyfriend still gets in low moods. I would love to be married and have a baby, and I don’t know whether that will happen. But I’m not scared about it anymore. No matter what, I have the Six Intimacy Skills™ and the support to keep growing my happiness, whatever it ends up looking like. No one else has control over that but me.