Coach Sherry

The Tweaks that Moved Mountains

I met my tall, dark, handsome man in college, and two years later we were married. We went on a six-week romantic and adventurous honeymoon, backpacking around Mexico. My husband is a great talker and dreamer. His vision for our future included a family, a beautiful house, gardens and farm animals, and I wanted it all!

In our first year together, we bought a remote piece of bush land and started building our dream. It wasn’t long before I felt like I had been hoodwinked because I was living in a small cabin heated with wood, no power and no running water. I hadn’t pictured this part of the dream! My husband worked long hours then on his days off he wanted to stay home and build on our place. His motto was the more sweat equity we could put in the better.

Thinking I was being a good wife I went along with it, but I also became angry and resentful and felt like I had lost the fun, adventurous guy I had married.

From the outside, we looked like a perfect little family. I became a stay-at-home mom and looked after the household chores and the finances. We homeschooled our two children, so my life mostly revolved around them.

I worked hard and pulled my weight, but somehow I thought it was my husband’s department to figure out how to make me happy, even if I didn’t know how to myself. I would complain “We never do anything together” and to his credit, he would try to be my hero and make me happy, but my happiness didn’t last.

When my cup was full, we had a loving, passionate relationship, but when I was depleted I became upset and distance and negativity set in. We were in a vicious cycle of me being upset and my husband trying to make me happy, and around we went, for years.

I didn’t have much hope for our future as a couple after the children left. They were living their own lives, and there we were, empty nesters still playing the same game. I felt really disconnected from my husband.

One night we had a fight and I threatened to leave. My husband told me not to let the door hit me on the [you know what] on the way out! I had always kept that back door escape route open in our relationship and had threatened to use it in the past, but now he was calling my bluff. After many tears and realizing he was willing to let me go if I wanted to go, I concluded that I didn’t want to lose my man so I had better figure it out.

My husband is easygoing and always looks for the good in life. He would tell me that I just had to make a few tweaks and things would be better. To me it felt more like moving mountains because I had no idea what to do.

I desperately searched the internet for “how to save my marriage” and found Laura Doyle. I listened to the podcasts and ordered the book The Empowered Wife. The Six Intimacy Skills™ it laid out are practical, and I easily began to implement them before I finished the book.

I had to get in touch with how I felt and what I wanted, then I began expressing simple desires. For example, I would say, “I would love to go visit the kids on the weekend” or “I would love to take the boat out to the lake for the day.” This was like magic because my husband didn’t have to guess at what I wanted, so it was easy for him to be my hero and make me happy!

I also began to focus on how grateful I am for all my husband does for us. His face lights up when I thank him and tell him how much I appreciate him for working so hard and for looking after us. I began to thank him for things that I used to take for granted, like doing house and vehicle maintenance and little chores he does that make my life easier.

The Intimacy Skill that was the hardest for me, but the most helpful, is self-care. I had no idea how important it was, but I followed the book and got into a routine of doing at least three things a day that filled my cup. I mindfully set aside time each day to relax with a cup of tea, find something that makes me smile and laugh, have a nap or go for a walk in the fresh air and sunshine.

When I took on the responsibility for my own happiness, a transformation happened! I laugh more easily and feel more content with my life. My anger and resentment melted away because I’m staying on my own paper instead of being critical of my husband.

Miraculously, as I changed I noticed that my husband’s admirable qualities from our dating days came back. He gives me sweet compliments, brings me bouquets of wildflowers, and we have been talking about traveling again!

The few tweaks I made started moving mountains!

On this journey, I have realized that the only person that I can change in this world is me, and step by step, I’m becoming an empowered and dignified woman. I feel like I have been given a second chance to have the fun, passionate marriage that I’ve always wanted.

My husband is as grateful for the Skills as I am. He told me, “Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it!”

I’ve been so inspired by the changes in my marriage that I want to help other women transform their marriages. I made the biggest and best investment in myself that I ever have and signed up to become a Laura Doyle coach. I love the support of the Laura Doyle community and love that we get to celebrate relationship transformations every day!