Coach Peggy

Relationship Fairy Godmother to the Rescue

The feeling of complete and utter betrayal was not new to me, but it still felt like a vicious punch to my stomach. With tears streaming down my face, hands shaking and heart pounding, I slowly sank to the floor in my kitchen and felt my whole world spiralling out of control.

I remember the moment I first laid eyes on my husband. I took in the handsome face, the eyebrow piercing, the tattoo on his arm and thought, “Why do I always fall for the bad boys?” He looked like a whole lotta fun—and trouble.

Two and a half years later we were married. Our relationship had its ups and downs but overall I thought we made a good team, a team of which I was the self-appointed captain.

I thought I was a good wife. I was helpful, offering my advice on things like how to handle problems he was facing at work or how to be a safer driver. I took over the finances and set up a saving plan for us. And I tried everything I could think of to pull him out of his dark moods and the anger that would sometimes consume him for what seemed like months at a time.

While I was pregnant with our first baby, my husband started a new job, which meant a big change in lifestyle. It looked great on paper, but we soon realised it was not what he had been promised and we were both miserable. He changed jobs soon after our daughter was born and things were a bit better, but I felt so alone, as if I was raising our daughter by myself. I let him know how unhappy I was, complaining about his long work hours and how emotionally distant he was.

One day he came home from work and asked why our daughter never smiled at him. I told him honestly, “Because she never sees you smile at her”. It was a heartbreaking moment, one that made us both realise that things had to change.

Fast forward four years, two jobs, three houses, two marriage counsellors and a second baby to when I found myself on that kitchen floor, pregnant with our third child and blaming his mental health for our lack of connection and his inability to make either of us happy.

I was so desperate to get him to talk to me, and the only way I knew how to do that was to pick a fight. After one such argument he told me, “I love our kids and I can’t bear the thought of being away from them, but I just don’t love you the way you deserve to be loved anymore”.

I felt so lost and desperate when I typed into the google search bar “My Husband says he doesn’t love me”. Laura Doyle appeared on my screen like a magical relationship fairy godmother. Her blog led me to her book The Empowered Wife. As I cried my way through the book, I realised all the ways I had contributed to this breakdown in our marriage.

And for the first time in a long time, I felt something other than despair: I felt hope, that I could be the one to turn things around and save my marriage.

I had always been a diligent student, so I used that book like a life-changing recipe, working my way through each chapter, implementing the Six Intimacy Skills™ and the cheat phrases as I went.

Having started on a personal development journey before, I knew on some level that I was responsible for my own happiness, but Laura’s book made it so much more actionable. Self care became my new to-do list.

I also realised I had many years of control and disrespect to make up for. Even though the steps were well laid out, I didn’t find the Intimacy Skills easy at first. I felt so awkward apologising to him when I was still in so much pain because of things that he had said and done, but I was inspired by the stories of other women who had used the Skills to turn their relationships around.

I saw some progress early on, particularly when I was able to be vulnerable with my husband, but I knew I needed extra support. Sometimes it felt like I was taking one step forward, three steps back. I joined the Ridiculously Happy Wives program then the Diamond program.

Not long after I started working with a coach, my biggest fear was realised when my husband moved out. He packed his things in the middle of the night and left without warning. I was so hurt and angry. My coach was my saviour. She helped me realise that my fears were causing me to hold even tighter to the controlling behaviour that was pushing my husband away.

That was a real lesson in surrender for me. And it wasn’t the last.

When I signed up for Relationship Coach Training, I was still holding so tightly to my vision of being a happy family, of my husband being madly in love with me and living under the same roof. My fear of failure was keeping me from relinquishing control and I had to put faith over fear and let that go. It was heart-wrenchingly difficult and felt like I was giving up, like he was moving on without me.

My husband started a new job in a different town and suggested I think about moving closer to family, so that’s what the kids and I did. I started a new life, with a new vision for myself to stop acting happy and to start actually being happy despite my marriage not being what I had once envisioned but knowing that our relationship was still evolving as I worked on becoming my best self.

I see my husband now as I used to see him before we were married. He’s my hero. He’s the strong, generous, funny, intelligent guy who would do anything and everything to make me happy. He’s an amazing dad to our three beautiful kids. He’s the first person I want to talk to when anything of note happens in my life or our kids’ lives.

He still works away and we don’t see each other in person very much, yet I feel connected to him in ways I never have before. It’s like we’re dating, going through that fun, exhilarating time where we are getting to know the people we’ve both become.

Over the years I have struggled with finding my purpose. I always knew I wanted to make a difference in some way, to leave a meaningful legacy and do work that would help others.

The breakdown in my marriage was devastating and a source of great shame for me. But through that difficult experience, I found the Intimacy Skills and I found purpose in my life. I found a way to show up differently, to be happier, more carefree, and to see the gratitude I was missing before. My whole perspective has changed and even if I do fall into Needless Emotional Turmoil (and trust me, I do), I now know how to pull myself back out of it.

I have faith where once all I had was fear.

And I get to use my experience with practising the Intimacy Skills and transforming my own marriage to inspire other women to step into their power and live the lives and have the relationships they’ve always dreamed of for themselves.

I am honoured to be a relationship fairy godmother now myself, and it brings me great joy to celebrate the success of other women who practise the Skills!