Coach Vicki

“She Is Clothed with Strength and Dignity; She Can Laugh at the Days to Come” —Proverbs 31:25

I was certain our marriage was going to be the fairy tale I had dreamed of even though every person in my life who had gone before me tried to tell me differently! I married a man I could trust and depend on, who made me feel safe.

Sadly, it was never enough. I quickly began the downward spiral of frustration and hopelessness toward the pit of resentment, thinking I had certainly married the wrong guy!

I longed to hear him express his love for me. I would even tell him I thought we should divorce just so he would say “No, Vic, I love you,” until one day he said “I think you’re right.”

I felt hopeless to get him to change. I wanted to feel cherished and adored—to be deeply and fully known. I became jealous and desperate, and he became more and more withdrawn. I then turned to trying to become my “BEST” self and felt the need to help him as well. If I could just FIX him, I was certain I would know the happiness I longed for. The only problem was HE. WAS. NOT. INTERESTED.

The more I persisted, the more he resisted.

Three years later we were blessed with twin boys. We sank ourselves into raising our boys, our Church, our Company, and our Community. On paper, it looked like I was living the fairy tale I had dreamed of, but inside I felt lonely and unseen. Connection, intimate conversation and feeling cherished just weren’t on the radar. I craved his attention and affection.

Our boys grew up and left in one fell swoop for college. We became empty nesters all in one day! There was a gaping hole inside of me. I yearned for so much more.

My greatest desire was to honor Christ in our marriage; I just didn’t know how. I knew God had called me to respect my husband, but to be honest, I had no idea what that looked like.

Fast forward 34 years: One morning I was reading an online devotion and the author referenced Laura Doyle’s book The Surrendered Wife. I quickly ordered the book and spent several hours devouring her blog post.

I honestly felt like I had struck gold.

That day, through Laura’s vulnerable sharing, I truly saw myself! As I digested every word, I felt so much compassion for my husband and how hard it must have been to be married to me! I began to see underneath the protective shell I’d been wearing. I was living in a manipulative, quietly controlling, disrespectful and unpleasable way.

Tears spilled from my eyes. I saw for the first time who I had become, and I didn’t like what I saw. I had believed I was superior to him and he was very lucky to be married to me. I had treated him like a child.

That morning, I began to glance back onto my own paper and saw the years of energy I had wasted thinking if HE would change, I could finally be happy. I pondered the changes I could implement, which was all I really could control anyway! I started to feel a glimmer of hope!

Two days later, we left for a ten-day trip to Antigua. I’d only had time to pick up on a couple of the Six Intimacy Skills™ that Laura Doyle teaches, but I implemented them immediately.

The first day, I practiced the Skills of duct tape and expressing gratitude. It was as if I was seeing him for the first time. I had new perspectacles allowing me to see a different man!

He texted me a message later that day like I had NEVER EVER received from him before. My heart was beating out of my chest like a schoolgirl who just had her first kiss when I read the first sentence of his text: “I am so blessed to do life with my beautiful wife”!

I couldn’t believe my eyes!

The next nine days were filled with other words and moments I will never forget! I told him on the trip “If I am dreaming, please do NOT wake me up”!

It has been almost ten months since that trip, and I would love to say that every day has been blissful. The fact is, we are changing a 35-year dance and new steps take practice to learn. But, I am learning. I am changing. I am implementing the Intimacy Skills, and our marriage is transforming in big ways.

I now know what I didn’t know before learning the Skills: that HE cannot make me happy; only I can do that. He generously piles on to my happiness in thoughtful ways, like sharing a photo of a sunset when I am not with him. He shows up as my hero daily, if only I have the eyes to see.

I have learned what respect looks like and apologize when I have been disrespectful. I just didn’t know that asking leading questions or telling him how to dress or what to say was disrespectful to my husband! Apologizing to him feels like sprinkling pixie dust and wiping the slate clean. What I focus on increases, and I am finding mounds of evidence that I am his North Star and he really does want to be my hero!

When I look in the mirror, I appear softer. I am filled with grace and mercy for the girl staring back at me. I am gentler with myself and now laugh at the days to come. I am clothed with strength and dignity.

There has truly been a shift, a surrender inside of my body. I am living more days with unclenched hands! I am giddy with excitement and filled with a sense of purpose as I think about sharing my newfound secret with other women.

Things REALLY can get as good as I can stand! Turns out, I truly am living my fairy tale. It was all just a matter of where I placed my focus!