Coach Sandy

Better than I Ever Imagined

Staring out my kitchen window, tears streaming down my face, I felt hopeless, confused and alone. It was our anniversary and we were getting ready to leave for Hawaii later that day. I was debating whether or not to even go. My husband and I had had another argument and I felt like I could not go on like this. I was hurting and the pain seemed too much to bear.

“How could he treat me this way? All I was trying to do was help!” I kept telling myself.

I’d started off with such a beautiful marriage, one that others envied. Tim was handsome, athletic, extremely smart, financially savvy, a man of character. He also had tremendous initiative and helped build a software company that exploded in growth. I was smitten by his charm and wit. We were living the dream, growing our family and having a lot of fun along the way!

But in just a few short years my seemingly perfect world came crashing down.

I ran a really tight ship at home and was obsessed with order. I was doing everything: keeping up the chores, paying bills, doing the shopping, making the meals, servicing the cars, and running our four kids to school, sporting events, music lessons, birthday parties, appointments, play dates, etc.

My husband would often offer to help, but I dismissed his help, as I was afraid he would not do things the way I wanted them done. I was very controlling and fearful. Yet I thought I was the perfect wife and mother, helping everyone whether they wanted it or not. It was exhausting!

I soon found myself becoming very resentful towards my husband. I would replay the same narrative over and over in my head: “I’m exhausted. Why doesn’t he help me more? He’s so inconsiderate! He married me so I would take care of everything and he could do whatever he wanted. If he really loved me he wouldn’t be working so many hours. Why doesn’t he show me more love and affection?”

The resentment I was harboring against him ended up spilling into my attitude and words. I found myself being very critical, saying hurtful and curt comments to him often. I became a pro at being passive aggressive. Needless to say, this didn’t sit well with my husband! He would defend himself with hurtful comments or remarks that would leave me in tears.

Just when I thought I couldn’t handle anymore, my mom and my mother-in law were diagnosed with cancer. Both of them passed away within three months of each other. My fear and frustration continued to escalate as we went through some big financial losses that devastated us financially. It sent me into a tailspin!

I was crying in my closet every day. I felt so hopeless. I was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue and depression. I did not know what to do or where to turn. My world was caving in and I had no one safe to talk to.

I was desperate and read every marriage book that I could get my hands on as well as begging my husband to do marriage counseling. I knew I needed someone to fix HIM or I couldn’t go on.

But nothing was working!

One day, a friend I was having lunch with told me about an amazing book by Laura Doyle and got me a copy. I had my doubts but decided to read it.

Wow, I had never read anything like this before. I could not put the book down! I felt like Laura was sharing my life story. It was so relatable and practical! It was the first marriage book that gave me tangible skills I could easily apply to my marriage.

I ended up ordering every book Laura had written and read them through multiple times. For the first time in a long time, I had HOPE!

While reading Laura’s books, I could see how my hurt, negativity, resentment and passive aggression towards my husband was hurting him, causing him to avoid me and stifling our intimacy. I never knew that he was wired to please me, yet I saw how I was rarely pleasable. I realized the reason I wasn’t getting any gifts was because of how often I rejected his gifts. I did not know how important self-care was for me and thought of it as frivolous and selfish.

No wonder my marriage was struggling!

I started to apply some of the Intimacy Skills I was learning, like self-care. I even relinquished control of the finances. I felt like I could breathe again. But I knew I needed more help. My old ways of disrespect and control were so ingrained in me, I did not know how to change.

I expressed my desire to my husband for private coaching and he was 100% in support of me doing it, so I signed up!

I loved my coach and looked forward to our meetings. I would bring my marital challenges, thinking I would stump her, but she was so patient and understanding and would bring me back to how I could show up to be respectful and less controlling. Slowly, my fear and control started to subside and I was emerging as a different woman.

In one of our sessions, my coach challenged me to express my gratitude. I took the challenge! Every day for three months, I would write in my phone everything I saw my husband do to show his love for me. I decided to print it out and give it to him as an anniversary gift. It was 58 pages long. I was shocked!

I gave it to Tim at dinner and he started to cry. He said, “This is all I ever wanted you to know…how much I love you!”

It was the turning point in our marriage!

Now I have learned to receive the love, support, gifts and trips my husband loves to give me. This past year he took me on seven amazing getaways! He buys me flowers and gifts and loves to take me shopping.

I never imagined my marriage could be this good!

Because of the transformation in my own marriage, I wanted to gain skills so I could help other women with theirs. I trained to become a certified coach!

My heart hurts when I see marriages around me fail. After the transformation in my own marriage, I took on Laura Doyle’s mission to end world divorce! There is hope for change in seemingly hopeless marriages. I believe most women don’t want divorce but cannot see any other options given their current mindset. I want to advance the Six Intimacy Skills™ and help change the mindsets of women worldwide!