Coach Zakah

From Hopeless to Happy

Twenty-nine years ago, the morning after our wedding, I started criticizing my husband.

I thought I was just being helpful.

I couldn’t understand why he didn’t just agree with me about everything. I had tantrums when I didn’t get my way. I thought he would swoop in and take care of me if I told him how overwhelmed, lonely, tired, and unhappy I was. But to him, my complaints sounded like “You are a failure and can’t possibly make me happy, so don’t even try.”

I complained that he wasn’t affectionate, communicative, or available. I knew that I would be happy if only he’d improve! I didn’t realize that I had pushed him away so much that he had no desire to be close to me.

We settled for living parallel lives. I figured it was my lot in life not to be cherished and adored.

I might have just been okay with that since I’d been used to living like this for so long. However, our marriage seriously deteriorated over the last few years before I found the Six Intimacy Skills™. I became hyper focused on the things he did wrong, from the way he spoke and dressed to the way he used his time. I was judgmental and critical of everything, and he became ultra defensive! I couldn’t believe how thin-skinned he was, taking everything so personally. Why couldn’t he just grow up?

We had a communication blackout unless it was about basic childrearing or housekeeping. After one argument, he said to me, “I just want to make you happy but don’t think I have the ability to do that.”

I didn’t disagree.

I begged G-d for help. I realized that my true growth as a person lay in overcoming this challenge. G-d answered my prayers when a friend sent me the book The Empowered Wife. Another friend said she’d also read the book and texted words of gratitude to her husband every morning and it had changed their marriage.

I couldn’t believe it could be so impactful.

I tried texting gratitudes to my husband for a few days and noticed him being surprisingly receptive. I even stopped feeling so bitter toward him. “Maybe there’s something to it,” I thought.

I started pouring on gratitude with three texts a day. I couldn’t say them face to face because we weren’t having much verbal communication. Still, his response to the gratitude was miraculous. He ate it up! After a while, my gratitudes became a habit and I began to feel them in my heart and actually notice the good in him. He started expressing gratitude to me, too, as well as doing more things that elicited my gratitude.

It truly was a positive upward cycle.

Another friend recommended that I get a coach. I was desperate, hopeless, and ready but furious that I had to change and not him. It was so unfair!

Yet I followed directions, even though I was just acting as if. Apologizing felt excruciating, especially when his part seemed so much bigger than mine.

As a result, my husband now spends more time at home, shares his plans and thoughts with me, showers me with help, gifts, compliments, and support. He is rarely angry or defensive. I’ve come to recognize again that he is a good man who just wants to make me happy. I stopped caring about the things that annoy or embarrass me about him and focused on the good things, pointing them out to my kids.

It just feels so much more relaxed in our home.

I used to have scathing thoughts about how clueless my husband was. Actually, he was clueless about what I wanted because I was stewing in resentment and criticism without thinking about or knowing how I felt or what I wanted. How was he supposed to know, if I didn’t? I’ve learned to express my desires simply without explanation, justification, or expectation, and amazingly he is very happy to fulfill most of those desires!

Today I’m fun to be around because I know I’m in charge of my own happiness and it’s not dependent upon anyone else. I focus on my self-care and don’t feel selfish, guilty or decadent, regardless of the time or expense. My good mood and humor make everyone around me happier.

The Intimacy Skills are helping me to be my best self, have inner peace, and have a great relationship with everyone. Just a few months ago, my grandkids didn’t enjoy being around me. I was critical and judgmental of these precious people whom I adore, without even realizing it! Now, I focus on the good in them, and they come running into my arms!

I know I’m meant to be married to this man and work on myself through these Intimacy Skills. I look forward to continuing to grow closer to my husband and to my true self.