Coach Janelle

MY SURRENDERING JOURNEY

Six and a half years into my second marriage, I hit the lowest point of my life.  

I was crying yet again to my husband that I did everything around our home, I constantly helped him with things, I was faithful to him, I never stopped working, and yet he didn’t treat me right and wasn’t thankful for me.  He responded by saying that yes, I had all those good qualities, but that I tried to control him more than anyone he had ever met.  

I was heartbroken and so confused. As I sat outside on our patio and cried to God, I had a huge epiphany about my need to control.

Looking back, I can see that my controlling tendencies started early.  I had a lot of fear as a child, struggling in school and being bullied a lot.  This led to me trying to control others’ opinions of me from a very early age.  I became a chronic people pleaser.

I married my first-ever boyfriend because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings by breaking up with him, even though I had a huge number of reservations.  I remember walking down the aisle thinking, “At least it will be over soon, and then I’ll just deal with what comes.”

I spent the twelve years of my first marriage controlling my then husband and everyone else around me.  I did this by bending over backwards to please everyone then raging when I didn’t receive what I wanted from them.  I remember stomping around the house fuming, while my husband and daughters hid from me, and just wondering, “Why won’t anyone take care of me?”  

I had no idea that this was my own responsibility.  

In retrospect, I think that I had actually came across an article by Laura Doyle in my endless search for something to fix my marriage, but I dismissed it out of hand as being “dishonest,” as I felt it was so important that I express my feelings.  I didn’t pursue it further. 

After a horrendously painful divorce, I married my second husband.  I didn’t take the time to heal because my divorce hadn’t been “my fault.”  I still had no idea of my controlling and manipulating patterns.

My control started right away in my new relationship, too.  Even while we were dating, it reared its ugly head.  Paul is not a man to be controlled, and he called me on it a few times.  For some reason, he still married me.  When it became clear that my new life would be full of conflict, with four kids from blended families and two exes inserting themselves into our lives, I doubled down on my efforts to control.  I had to protect my new family!

I also started doing everything.  Paul had been a capable and loving father for five years on his own, but as soon as I entered the house, I started parenting his kids.  

I remember one of his daughters throwing up within the first few weeks, and I jumped to clean it up, using a towel that apparently had sentimental value.  I didn’t want to deal with washing it, so I went to throw it away, and this started our first fight ever.  I was resentful that I had to clean it up and that he didn’t jump to help.  He was resentful that I was going to throw away a towel that was his as a kid.  It turned into a HUGE blowup.  

I should have sat back and let my capable husband take care of this issue.  Instead, I had just set a precedent that I would take care of everything.

Obviously, my stepdaughters didn’t appreciate that they suddenly had a new parent.  Stepparent-stepchild relationships are hard enough, but with me being so controlling, things were constantly tense between them and me, between Paul and me, and between my children and Paul, as these were all relationships that I just had to control.

As I sat on the patio crying that day, now three years ago, I realized that I needed to change.  

I decided to keep my mouth shut.  I didn’t have any support, or resources, and hadn’t yet read any of Laura’s books.  I tried for a year to “duct tape,” without really understanding how, and without the other important concepts that accompany this.  I was still disrespectful, whiny, exhausted, and frustrated.  I would keep my mouth shut for a few weeks then blow up.

When I finally found Laura’s book The Surrendered Wife, it was as if someone had stepped into my life and chronicled it in a book.  I ended up highlighting half the book and jumped in immediately.  I was so desperate at that point.  I didn’t want another divorce, and I was so relieved that there was something that I could do myself, without forcing anyone else into something. 

I saw gradual, incremental progress.  Some of the intimacy began to come back, although there were plenty of ups and downs.  

I knew it was working when Paul and I were out to dinner, and he said to me, “I used to never want to be with you because we were so miserable.  Now, all I want is to come home and be with you.”  

It was one of the very few times that Paul has acknowledged any of the changes, but our intimacy has improved, and I have a new way to handle things!  I have practical steps that I can take for every issue that life throws at me, and I am okay even when my husband isn’t!!  

Since I started the Intimacy Skills, Paul has bought me my dream car, fulfilled my desire to join Relationship Coach Certification, and created my own personal and beautiful new “coaching room” out of my old office space.  

I have dignity where I used to feel so much shame.  I take care of myself and focus on what I am grateful for.  I have found joy in other relationships instead of being paralyzed and fretting about the state of my marriage.  I am learning what I enjoy, what I desire, and what brings me peace.  I FEEL respectful when I speak with others.  I use “I hear you” with everyone!  I’m now starting to use the Skills in other relationships besides my marriage, especially with my daughters.  

I am so grateful that I found this book, then this community, and these life-changing skills that have given me a joy-filled future.