Coach Erika

From Resentful to Passionate

I remember screaming hysterically out of sheer frustration over not being heard nor understood. Worse still, my husband regarded my mere mortal behavior as proof that I had evil intentions toward him.

I had no awareness of how controlling, disrespectful, and unappreciative I was towards my husband. I was making decisions without asking his opinion, I corrected him, I demanded he change the contents of sermons I had to translate for him, and once I even laughed about him in front of people.

Yet I was convinced that my husband’s issue of mistrust was the main reason for the difficulties in our marriage.
I was unhappy, dissatisfied, ungrateful and struggling. I had emotionally distanced myself from him. Physical intimacy had never stopped though, except when there were cold wars. I looked at it as something my husband needed, and I was frustrated that the only thing left in our relationship was the physical, without any emotional or spiritual connection, which I believed was necessary to have a good love life. I did not feel passionate.

I kind of gave up hope that anything would ever change for the better and tried to arrange myself around it. I had reached out for help over the years, sharing my misery with counselors and finding relief by being vulnerable and giving my hurt feelings their day in the sun. It helped me cope and survive but did not cause intimacy and connection in our relationship.

One day our youngest daughter told me about Laura Doyle and her book The Surrendered Wife. I read it, listened to some of The Empowered Wife Podcast and enrolled in the Ridiculously Happy Wife (RHW) group coaching program.

I started to see my side of the street, how controlling and disrespectful I had been over the years and that I had no appreciation for who my husband was and for what he did. I realized that my focus had been entirely on what wasn’t working and on my husband’s paper in believing that he was the problem in our relationship since he did not trust me, nor anyone else. I saw myself as the victim who others admired for how well I handled the situation as some of them wondered why I hadn’t sent him away yet.

Learning the 6 Intimacy Skills™ gave me workable tools to put my hands on.
After a couple of months in the RHW program, I decided I could work on the Skills by myself. By the end of the year, I hit rock bottom again and truly felt that if it were possible, I would leave.

That’s when I rejoined the RHW for another couple of months then decided to go all in and register for Relationship Coach Certification.
I first started to do at least three things a day for self-care, reporting them to a friend. I also made a gratitude list, looking for all the things my husband does for me, and expressed my appreciation. Instead of focusing on what I do not have in my relationship, I tried to receive graciously what I do have. I detected my criticism, which was often expressed in the question “Why did you do … ?” and stopped using it. I started to relinquish control of how he does things and used the phrase “Whatever you think.” I also started to experiment with Laura Doyle apologies.

I learned to listen to him and let him talk, even if I didn’t agree with what he said. I now understand that it is possible for my husband and I to see things completely differently and still be able to feel connected and passionate.

I used to resent my husband for touching me during the day, often wanting physical intimacy, and for all his flirty remarks. After I practiced the Skills for months, the resentment ceased. I now see myself as being magnetic and receive his physical attention and enjoy his touch. His remarks no longer upset me; I take them lightly and so we have moments of fun, playfulness, and laughter together.
Even though it was my desire to cuddle up with my husband, I did not dare to because I knew it would end up in physical intimacy, which for my taste happened too often. One day I read in one of Laura Doyle’s books that physical intimacy was an opportunity to connect not only physically but also emotionally and spiritually.

This was an eye-opener for me. Since I desired emotional and spiritual connection, I readjusted my focus concerning physical intimacy.
Over the weeks and months of receiving graciously, relinquishing control, expressing desire, and practicing vulnerability and gratitude, I one day realized that these Intimacy Skills all work around physical intimacy as well. I believe I heard a coach say that physical intimacy can even become a self-care, so I sometimes try to think of it as that, but surely more so as an opportunity to emotionally connect with my husband.
Learning the Skills has been so helpful in my relationship with our daughters and their husbands too. Relinquishing control of their choices and letting them learn their own life lessons have preserved the intimacy. The concept of staying on my own paper is incredibly powerful, as is getting in touch with how I feel and what I want.

I just feel so free and empowered in all my relationships.
As a result of practicing the Skills I have started to understand why Laura Doyle named one of her books The Empowered Wife. I really do feel empowered and am so excited to grow more and to pass what I am learning for myself on to others.
The Skills work!