Coach Angela

From Pain to Peace

My story really begins when my parents divorced when I was ten years old. I made a promise to myself that I would marry the right person so I would never have to experience that kind of pain again. I dreamed of a loving marriage and a beautiful romance that would last a lifetime.

That dream, though sincere, came with a lot of expectations. I unknowingly put pressure on every relationship, trying to control the outcome because I was afraid of getting hurt. I pushed away more than a few boyfriends with my need to make everything “just right.”

When I met my husband, things were not much different. 

I constantly wondered if he was “the one,” and my fears showed up as control. To be honest, I am still surprised he married me! 

After we said “I do,” my fears did not fade—they grew stronger. I often questioned whether I had made a mistake because he didn’t see things my way, and we were so different. He seemed so stubborn! I cried so many tears trying to get him to change, believing that if he really loved me, he would do things differently.

I begged him to romance me and explained in detail what I meant by romance. But when he tried, I would critique what he did wrong or how it could have been better. 

I also wanted him to be more social, and after every gathering, I would point out what he could have done differently. Even his driving became a source of tension. I was anxious and fearful, and he became frustrated and apathetic.

What made it even more discouraging was that I was a former licensed counselor. I had earned my Master’s in Community Counseling, become a Licensed Professional Counselor, and worked in mental health for years. I was trained to help other people but couldn’t seem to fix my own marriage. I was trying so hard, yet our home was filled with tension instead of peace.

Then a friend told me about a book called The Empowered Wife.

I almost brushed it off because I had read so many marriage books already, but I ordered it anyway. As I read, I found myself highlighting nearly every page.

I remember thinking, “Oh my goodness, Laura sounds just like me.”  Page after page, lightbulbs started going off. I thought I knew what respect was, but after reading, I realized just how disrespectful I had been! Could I have been what was getting in the way of a peaceful marriage all this time?

I decided to start small and practice just one Skill: expressing gratitude daily to my husband. To my surprise, this shift instantly brought more peace between us. I also started responding with “Whatever you think,” which he loved hearing. I didn’t understand why it meant so much to him, but it softened the dynamics between us right away.

Another turning point came when I began apologizing. I used to avoid it because I believed most of our problems were his fault. I also feared if I apologized, he wouldn’t take ownership for his part. But when I started apologizing, something amazing happened–he would quickly apologize, too. 

It completely changed the tone of our relationship.

One day, I apologized for all the times I had been critical when he had tried to romance me. That was the moment I realized my comments like, “I wish you had done this differently” had actually discouraged him and made him feel apathetic toward me. My criticisms had been slowly suffocating the romance I desperately desired.

Today, our marriage feels peaceful and is full of laughter.

I surrender more easily and say, “I hear you.” 

I am more grateful, and as a result, I get surprise flowers out of the blue.

When I express desires like, “I would love to go to Florida in January,” he makes it happen.

I now see and appreciate his romantic gestures instead of picking them apart.

He’s even more social. He told me that when I stopped trying to control him and let go of my expectations, he felt free to be himself.

I had been standing in the way of the very thing I’d been wanting all along. 

And yes, he even drives slower now because he wants me to feel safe.

These skills have not just transformed my marriage, they have also changed my relationships with my family. I have become more patient, more understanding, and more dignified. I no longer attempt to control or fix others, and that shift has brought so much warmth and connection into my life.

These Skills have truly transformed my heart. I feel more loved, more at peace, and more connected–not because my husband changed, but because I did. 

And for that, I am forever grateful.