Coach Amanda

From Fear to Faith

As the years ticked by, I despaired when every relationship I got into seemed to go nowhere. If I didn’t lose interest first, I would try not to make waves, but the guy would always want to end the relationship.

At thirty-eight, I finally met the man of my dreams. When I was with him, I laughed so hard my belly ached. I walked around smiling and singing all the time. My lifelong desire to be partnered with a wonderful man was finally coming true.

I wanted to be a mother, but he wasn’t ready to be a dad anytime in the next fifteen years. By then I’d be in my mid-fifties and getting pregnant wouldn’t be an option anymore. I wanted to be with him, though, so I just hoped it would work out. Every few months we would have a fight about it. In spite of that, we moved in together.

Finally he agreed to do couples’ coaching with me. During the session, the coach declared that we were broken up. A couple months later my boyfriend moved out and left town. I put my stuff in storage and flew across the country to my parents’ house.

I felt like a complete failure: thirty-nine years old, dumped, single, no family of my own, staying with my parents.

In spite of all the tools, training, and support I had, it hadn’t worked out. I was devastated. There was no one in the world I could imagine loving the way I loved him. I couldn’t imagine getting over him in time to have a child with another man.

So I realized I just couldn’t. Most mothers I knew were raising their children alone anyway. I would just go into it with eyes wide open. I started a bank account with the label “Baby.”

Then a friend recommended a book called The Empowered Wife. I practically screamed out loud when I got to the part about conflicting desires. My ex was texting with me again, so I typed: “I want to be a mother, and I want to be with you exactly as you are.” I told him that I had come to terms with being a single mother because I couldn’t force myself to get over him.

I felt nervous to tell him, but I also felt calm. I had already lost him, so there was nothing left to lose.

Well, I was so surprised at his response! A week later he came back to our city and his passion for me was not only back, but it was stronger than ever.

Now I had a second chance and I couldn’t get help fast enough. I arrived gasping at my first group call in The Ridiculously Happy Wives program. As soon as there was a chance to sign up for Relationship Coach Certification, I knew that was for me. As an almost forty-year-old woman, I knew that having a loving relationship was the most important thing to me, even if I never used the training professionally.

This training was going to finally get him to marry me and want to have a baby. I threw my heart and soul into it. My coach and the community of fellow coaches gave me the courage and the skills to honor my desire to be a mother and a wife, no longer just hoping my boyfriend would come around if I was patient and didn’t make waves.

It worked! But not at all as I had imagined.

To my horror, in the last week of training, this man who I hoped I would spend the rest of my life with said I had to choose: keep dating him, with no commitment, and never have a baby, or part ways so I could be a mother.

I cried all night, but I was prepared this time. “I can’t put down my desire to be a mother,” I told him.

Before long I was moving into my own place, devastated. I prepared to get pregnant by sperm donor as soon as possible, if it wasn’t already too late for me. Eventually I started dating, heartbroken that because of my age, my future husband would not be genetically related to my child.

This time, though, when I was dating, I had the 6 Intimacy Skills, and I had the support of a coach. I let myself just enjoy each date rather than trying to make things happen. I was clear and confident about wanting to be a mother and a wife. The same week that I got off the waitlist for my preferred sperm donor, I went on a blind date with a man I really liked. I let myself be pursued, which felt really uncomfortable and slow at first.

And then something started happening that I had never experienced before: he kept asking me out, and he never changed his mind or went back on his word. He made me elaborate dinners and took me backpacking to a hidden village. I felt vulnerable as I fell more and more in love with him.

I didn’t have to DO anything to make it happen. I had no idea it could be so easy and delightful.

And FAST! Within a few months, he asked me to marry him. I was thrilled.

Relationship Coach Certification has transformed my other relationships, too. When my parents were visiting, I found myself sitting between them in the backseat of an Uber. In the past, I would have been irritated by their questions and comments. Now, I was so touched by their love for me that I was moved to tears.

Later, my mom took me to a yarn store and told me to pick out a color I liked. She wanted to make me some hand warmers for writing on the computer in the winter because I get cold so easily. I used to think “She doesn’t really care about me” or “She doesn’t know how to love me.” Now I realized “This is how mom says ‘I love you!’”

I’m so grateful I got to shift my perspective and see my parents with eyes of gratitude while they’re still alive and well.

As for having a baby? Despite my fears about my age, we got pregnant as soon as we started trying. Now I’m a mother to an incredible son who looks like a miniature version of my amazing husband.

I couldn’t be happier.