Coach Amy

Always Play the Long Game

When I met my husband, I thought he was the most handsome man I’d ever seen. We worked together and shared lots of laughs, and I developed a huge crush on him. I was so happy when he asked me out! We started dating and within three months he told me he loved me.

He was so chivalrous at a time when such things were considered old-fashioned. He’d hold doors open for me, he gave me his winter coat when I forgot mine, and he always picked up the tab. I felt so special, taken care of, and adored that I married him!

Once married, I was of the firm belief that work came first, and if there was time–which there never was–then play. My husband made time for family and friends, played video games, and stayed out late partying. I was lonely but didn’t know how to express my desire to spend time together without sounding demanding.

He’d buy me flowers, and I’d reject them. Didn’t he know I had no time for flowers? He annoyed me to no end. I let him know as much, and that changed…nothing. My resentment grew. When he didn’t live up to my expectations, I complained. When I complained, he withdrew.

I was pretty good at squashing the intimacy between us in those days.

When our daughter was born, life became stressful with a baby that never stopped screaming, never slept, and projectile vomited everything we fed her. I remember my husband saying, “There’s something wrong with her” and I’d go on the attack defending her. I had no respect for his opinions.

When she was diagnosed with a neurological disorder, I stopped working to care for her full-time. I was running her to doctors and therapies every day. She slept poorly, so I slept poorly. I spent any free time figuring out the best way to get her the help she needed. I felt like the only one fighting for her.

I was angry at the world, exhausted, and somewhat defeated.

I began complaining that I never had any time for myself. I not only had no one to talk to, I had to watch my daughter like a hawk to make sure she didn’t engage in dangerous behavior. Frivolous, fun self-care was a pipe dream. Occasionally I envisioned myself walking out the front door and never coming back, and I told my husband as much. This was my life during my daughter’s first eleven years.

After her twelfth birthday, my husband opened his own business, I was diagnosed with a serious neurological disease, and our cat was diagnosed with diabetes, all during the same week!

To say my husband was tired, irritated, and overwhelmed is an understatement. He was angry and spent his time at home screaming things like, “I hate it here!!!” and “The two of you are life ruiners!” He threw tantrums and raged every day.

I was physically helpless but determined to get well. In severe pain most days, I prayed for peace and quiet. I felt betrayed and planned on leaving him, just as soon as I was mobile.

Six months later, I regained some mobility, but my marriage remained in shambles. Desperate for answers, I searched the entire house. I found all my old love letters to him. Why did this man who hated me keep my old love letters?

Naturally I googled that very question! An excerpt from Laura Doyle’s book The Empowered Wife popped up. I was intrigued! I bought the book and finished it in two nights. I knew I had to implement the Six Intimacy Skills™ and tools taught in the book.

I started with duct tape, and within ten days my husband stopped screaming! Peace and calm were restored, and I started making more progress with my rehabilitation.

Still, something was off. He was distant and I was very unhappy. I started apartment hunting and informed him of my intentions. He then informed me he’d contacted a divorce lawyer and had a consultation. I realized in that moment that things were even worse than I thought, and I decided to apply for private coaching.

The next six months in the Diamond program were life changing. They prepared me to handle the worst and final betrayal with dignity and grace.

By the end of Diamond, I had implemented all the Skills. Things at home were congenial, but there was a wall between us that I couldn’t crack. We were still disconnected and I couldn’t figure out why.

One evening I walked to the kitchen and heard a voice coming from the garage. My husband was on a call after 11 p.m. How odd. I crept closer and heard a conversation that confirmed what I’d suspected…my husband was having an affair.

I confronted him and I vulnerably expressed my purest desire: “I would love to remain married.” He insisted our marriage was over, and I said, “Whatever you think is best for our family.” I cried a lot, sometimes alone, sometimes in front of him. I was heartbroken.

I continued to implement the Skills. I never gave up because, as Laura Doyle says, “A wife with the Skills trumps a mistress every day of the week and twice on Sundays!”

Two weeks after D-Day, my husband announced at the dinner table he was thinking of breaking it off with her. I was surprised but simply said, “Whatever you think.”

I’ve relinquished control of the timeline for my miracle, resulting in a house full of laughter, respect, and gratitude. There is kindness, conversation, and warm hugs. My journey isn’t over, but I’m the happiest I’ve been in years.

I can’t express my gratitude enough to Laura Doyle and all the incredible coaches and wonderful women I’ve met along the way.

I couldn’t have come this far without you.