Coach Anne C.

My Broken Marriage Saved Me

It was a cold winter’s day. I was feeling lonely, sad and anxious. I prayed so hard for an answer as to what was happening in my marriage.

Then there it was, in his passport: a baggage slip with her name on it. I was so angry, so fearful, and an internal rage began.

When he arrived home from work, I shouted and kicked him out of our bedroom. I felt totally lost and overwhelmed. The children were crying, and all I can remember thinking was “How did this happen?” I was desperate and knew my marriage was in deep trouble. He moved into the guest room and later to our country house. I felt helpless and completely shocked by the separation.

If he would just listen to me and change, we could be happy again.

We tried counselling, which completely exacerbated the disconnection. The more disconnected we became, the more controlling I was. I punished him with ultimatums and shouted at him during counselling. I was undignified and believed it was all his fault.

I was desperate, after 25 years of marriage with three beautiful children, great friends, travel, fun family events, birthday celebrations, countless adventures and competitive tennis matches filled with love and laughter.

I knew I loved him and wanted to save our marriage, but my whole self felt totally fragmented. My entire vision of a wife and mother appeared shattered, and nothing was helping. I was exhausted and worried about my children and felt it was my responsibility to protect them from the pain. I was drowning. My health was suffering as I lost my hair, filled up on chocolate and cried myself to sleep every night. Spiritually, physically and emotionally, this was costing me.

I was terribly sad and exhausted. I had always been in control, made all the decisions and steered the ship. What had changed? Why would he just not listen? The counselling had failed, and somehow I knew I had to find something I could do to salvage this marriage.

So, I googled how to save my marriage and saw the book The Empowered Wife. I ordered it. I began reading. Suddenly, I felt hope. I remember thinking “I can do this.” Wherever I went, the book went too.

He came to visit and while going for a walk I experimented with saying “I hear you.” He responded with “What do you mean you hear me?” It was then I had my first realisation of how I controlled everything in my marriage, even the conversations. I duct taped, and I felt a sense of excitement.

I realised that through the pain I would grow.

Every time he visited, I tapped into the 6 Intimacy Skills™. I became a Girl of Fun and Light, I would answer his questions with “Whatever you think,” and I slowly noticed he was becoming more involved. After two weeks of sending him three gratitudes a day, I was amazed at all the evidence I could find that he cared for me. He thanked me and even reciprocated!

I began to fall in love with him again, and the dance was changing from control and blame to gratitude and peace.

Sadly, he still refused to come home and even though the house was filled with laughter and happiness, I was exhausted. I felt alone and helpless. Something was missing.

I had a call with a Laura Doyle coach, and it was then my real journey began. I joined the Diamond coaching program, had a private coach and attended every group session I could. I felt totally supported and was transforming as a woman. I was far less reactionary, far more dignified and felt empowered that I had a set of skills that worked in every area of my life.

Self-care became the most important part of my day and made me see how the impact of being filled up enabled me to show up as my best self. I had wonderful coaches who identified my weak points and led me to breakthroughs. With the Laura Doyle community, I was able to move from blaming my husband to growing into an empowered wife and woman.

Although my husband is not home yet, I know that my miracle will happen. We see him often and when he visits, the home is peaceful and respectful. My husband and I continue to have safe conversations. Apologies have become a priority, and respect is building.

My greatest learning has been building a me that did not necessarily include him. I became responsible for my own happiness, and my journey of self-care and staying on my paper began. Relinquishing control has been liberating but not easy.

Each time I stumbled, I got stronger and through the Skills I learnt to honour myself and express desires. I learned that vulnerability opens up the space to receive.

I am proud of the dignified, graceful woman I am choosing to be. I continually find evidence that he goes out of his way to please me and be my hero. Self-Fulfilling Prophecies have been magical. The children joke that Dad “can move mountains”, and they are right! My marriage has definitely become a safer, fun place.

I have found transformation in my commitment to the Skills and choose how to show up based on my vision, my commitment and my desires. Focusing on what I want increases it, and I can honestly say that this has been the greatest self-discovery journey I have embarked on. I love that I am the expert in my own life and with a set of skills I get to choose what fits or does not fit.

The Intimacy Skills have hugely impacted my marriage but really wound up saving me.