Coach Avital

It Was Just a Dream; Now It’s My Reality

I was frustrated and angry.

When I got married, I had all these big dreams. My husband and I would build a home together full of love and laughter, he would be obsessed with me and I would be his number one priority. He’d want to spend time with me and continue to do the romantic gestures he always had. We would be part of a community and attend a place of worship—this was a huge deal for me.

Instead, a couple of months into our marriage, I found myself spending all my evenings alone. Every night would go the same: my husband would come home from work and want to unwind, but I had been waiting for him all day, excited to see him and spend time together. I felt so let down when he didn’t seem to want to chat with me.

After a short amount of time at home, he would go to the gym and spend hours working out while I continued to wait at home for him, getting more and more upset that he didn’t want to be with me. By the time he got home, I would be so miserable I didn’t want to be with him!

When Sunday would come around, instead of asking me what I wanted to do that day he’d tell me he wanted to go to gym at midday, ruining our whole day. I would get so upset I would go into my bed and cry.

I didn’t understand what had happened. Before we got married, he wanted to spend every waking moment with me. He couldn’t get enough of me.

What was going on?

Saturday mornings weren’t pleasant either. I grew up in a religious home, where every Saturday morning my father would go to worship with my brother, along with the other males I knew from the community. Before we got married, my husband and I had discussed that this was really important to me, but come Saturday morning he was staying in bed. At first, I’d gently encourage him to go, and when that didn’t work I’d remind him to, and when that didn’t work I’d demand and subsequently plead with him.

Nothing was working and I was fed up–why didn’t my husband care about me and my wants?

At one point I felt I could no longer take it. This wasn’t the life that I had envisioned; all the passion I desired and all the happiness I craved weren’t happening for me. I called my sister in tears, asking her what I should do. Until then I hadn’t shared with anyone that I was struggling. I remember saying to her, “What have I done? Why did I marry him?”

Luckily for me, my sister, who doesn’t usually offer advice, said she’d heard of Laura Doyle and the Six Intimacy Skills™ and pointed me in that direction.

I thought I had tried and exhausted all the help available but decided I’d give this one more shot—and I’m so glad I did.

The first Skill my coach taught me was self-care and what it really means: I was in charge of my happiness. I didn’t need to stay at home waiting for my husband to make me happy–I could do that all on my own.

We made a schedule of my self-care and within a couple of days I felt the doom and gloom start to lift. I was going out in the evenings, seeing friends, taking dance classes, going for walks. By the time I got home, I was so filled up I was my happy young self again. I felt alive and, dare I say, happy. I made sure that every single day I was taking charge of what would make me joyful, and guess what–my husband started seeing me happy and wanted to join in.

The next thing my coach taught me was about relinquishing control. I had tried in every way possible to force my husband to go to our place of worship, none of which worked and only led to conflict and distance, so there was no point. I had to choose between trying to control my husband or having intimacy; the two just weren’t going together.

The next Saturday morning, I got up and had a delicious piece of cake and coffee and read a book. I didn’t wake my husband; I just tried to enjoy myself. When my husband did get up, he was so confused, asking why I didn’t wake him. I simply said, “Because you were sleeping so peacefully.” He seemed confused, but we got on with our day.

I made sure I really filled up on my self-care the following week and made a plan to go to my sister’s on Saturday morning so I didn’t have to fight with myself not to wake up my husband. When I returned home from my sister’s in a great mood, the same thing happened: my husband was waiting for me and asked why I didn’t wake him to go to worship. I giggled and said, “You just seemed happy sleeping.”

The next Saturday I woke up and went to read a book. About thirty minutes later, my husband appeared dressed and said he was going to worship.

I couldn’t believe it–my husband going to worship! After all my nagging and persuading, he went without me getting involved.

Two years later, I now live with the Intimacy Skills. Every Saturday morning, I get dressed and get our gorgeous baby dressed and meet my husband to pick him up from our place of worship.

My dreams are slowly coming true, and we are building a home full of love and intimacy.

With everything I’ve learnt from Laura Doyle and her inspiring coaches, I believe I now have the tools to continue having a successful, dignified marriage, and I can’t wait to share these Skills with more women so no one has to feel the despair I felt for all that time alone.