Coach Chana

Icing on the Cake

Before I learned the Six Intimacy Skills™, I was an involved wife and mother who kept very busy directing, correcting, and supervising everyone.

I frequently corrected my husband in particular, telling him how to drive, how to handle the kids, how to buy his clothing–in short, how to do things my way, which was clearly superior to his way.

Even though he depended on me to take care of many family matters, I couldn’t understand why he didn’t always appreciate my sincere efforts to help the family function optimally. On many levels, we felt connected after more than four decades of marriage and raising our seven children together.

We had created a tasty cake together, not gourmet but basically a good one.

Then one day someone casually mentioned the book The Surrendered Wife. Always interested in learning new things, I went straight to the library. The book made so much sense and resonated deeply with me. I eagerly read all of Laura’s other books.

I tried to implement all the Skills but focused on relinquishing control, as I had no idea that I had been so controlling, and on showing more respect for my husband. In turn, the atmosphere in our home became less tense, with fewer confrontations and criticisms.

I started feeling happier and more content when I stopped micromanaging my husband and paid more attention to myself. I started asking myself what my needs and desires were. I began to allow myself more time for self-care, to slow down and give myself time just to be me, without always worrying what had to be done next. I enjoyed spending more time on the phone with family and friends, and when family members visited I became more receptive to their offers of help.

I was so happy with the more relaxed and loving atmosphere in my home that I took the next step of enrolling in Laura Doyle Relationship Coach Training. I felt inspired to share my new knowledge with other women and learn how to coach them so that their marriages would improve, as mine had.

I’m so glad I went for Coach Training because I learned how to practice the Skills at an even deeper level.

I became less critical of my husband and stopped trying to teach him how to do things better. I liberally sprinkled in our conversations the phrase “whatever you think.” He appreciated my trust in his ability to do things his own way, and in turn, he became more helpful and tried to please me more, which was heartwarming.

My awareness of the subtleties of relinquishing control and remaining respectful grew. I stopped criticizing completely and stayed focused on my own paper. I stopped first asking my husband’s opinion and dug deeper within myself to discover my desire.

I also started giving him the benefit of the doubt, trusting that he was really trying to do the right thing, even though it didn’t always seem that way. For example, when he’d question me for spending so many hours in the kitchen preparing food for our guests, instead of resenting that he didn’t appreciate my efforts, I was confident that he was concerned about me.

I would calmly state that I enjoy having guests and add the Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy “I know you don’t want me to work so hard.” Other phrases I would use were “I know you want me to be happy” and “You’re so thoughtful and considerate.”

When I replied with a positive statement reflecting my confidence in his desire to do what’s right, he accepted it and would listen more carefully to what I wanted. More significantly, I no longer had any reason to feel hurt, as I realized that his intentions were good, just like my Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecies reflected. This approach allowed room for healthy disagreement as he listened more carefully to my opinions and gave me the space to be me.

The resentment that had festered at times is gone. We have come to appreciate each other even more and to be more respectful of each other‘s opinions. My contentment has grown as I focus on the positive. Our home is a peaceful and loving place to be.

I have spread icing on our cake, and it is now a truly gourmet creation.

Thank you, Laura, Kathy, and your team of coaches, for helping me and so many women create peaceful and loving homes. My dream is to help other women bring peace and joy into their homes.