Coach Cindy S.

From Betrayed to Beloved: My Surrendering Story

After 34 years of marriage, my husband and I had four children, two sons-in-law, and three grandchildren. But I knew that our marriage wasn’t wonderful. In fact, we were both very negative to each other and getting worse through the years. Our love tanks were empty. It felt like we were in a downward spiral with no way to fix it. I just thought I’d married a grumpy person and that’s the way it was.

Then three and a half years ago, my husband had an extramarital affair. When I found out about it, my world came crashing down.

At first he said he was ending the affair, but then a few weeks later he wasn’t. A few months later he moved out alone to a rental house. I can’t even explain how painful that was. Every month or so he would tell me the affair was over, then he would go back. This excruciating scenario went on for almost three years.

I just knew I wanted my marriage and didn’t want to divorce. I wanted to keep my vow before God. I had so many people tell me, “You’ve given him more grace than he deserves.” Even two counselors and some of my children gave up and told me to divorce him.

I felt like I was the last man standing. Those were very dark and lonely days.

I found the book The Surrendered Wife about a year after my husband left me. I’m so glad I found it when I did. When his affair first came to light, he told me, “You don’t respect me, you’re controlling, and you don’t appreciate me.”

I thought, “Where is he coming from? I’ve never been like that.”

This book showed me what my husband was talking about and what I had been missing.

The Six Intimacy Skills™ found within the book made sense and gave my marriage hope for a future. Although there is never any excuse for infidelity, I could see where I had contributed to the demise of our marriage. I started to feel empathy for him, and my anger subsided. I realized he hadn’t divorced me either and I knew there had to be something still there.

I first started implementing gratitude, the magical Skill. When he would come over to mow the lawn or fix something at the house, I would really thank him, which I could tell he liked a lot, and it made him want to do even more.

Then I started apologizing for being disrespectful and he liked that too. It felt good to clean up my side of the street.

I graciously received the gifts that he gave me instead of being budget conscious and practical like I had been in our old dance.

I stopped being “helpful” with suggestions and started expressing my desires without expectations. It was amazing to see him come through as my hero and fulfill my desires.

I started listening to his thoughts and ideas. Sometimes he just wanted to vent and I realized I didn’t have to have an opinion on everything he told me; I could just say “I hear you.”

I changed my hairstyle, got some new clothes, and filled up on self-care. I started working on myself, and I signed up for Relationship Coach Training.

I’ve been on a long journey and I’m so thankful for this safe and caring community of relationship coaches. Most of all I’m grateful that they stand for me and for my marriage.

After I started implementing the Skills, my husband started coming over for coffee some mornings and we’d talk then sometimes for supper and we’d go on walks. I kept it fun and light, and he always knew I was happy to see him. We watched church together online on Sundays during Covid. We’d text more often and sometimes talk on the phone. Then we started dating on weekends. It felt like we were starting over and meeting the person we’d known 34 years ago.

He told me he noticed the changes I was making. He was changing too. He was sweet, caring, and mirroring me.

Our children would hardly speak to him the first year after the affair. The holidays were so hard. Eventually they started to talk to him again. They would come home and spend the weekend with me and one hour with him. It was so painful for everyone.

They started to see the changes we were making. Even though we were still separated, we began celebrating the holidays together as a family again. It felt so good!

One winter day he asked me if I would like to go to Florida for two weeks with him. I was shocked but I knew I wanted to go, and we did. It was so enjoyable to walk the beach with my old new friend. We played pickleball, rode bikes, sunbathed, ate out, and watched sunsets..

My husband had been counseling with his pastor for about two months before we went to Florida and was finally finding his way back to God. About eight weeks after we came back home, my husband called me and said, “I’ve finally shut the door on the other relationship.” Then he said, “I love you and I always have.”

My jaw dropped. For three years, he had been telling me the opposite, that he didn’t love me. It felt so good to hear those words. I told him I could tell by his actions, which spoke louder than his words.

My husband asked me to start coming with him to his counseling sessions. The third time we went, he got down on one knee and with tears in his eyes he said, “I am sorry for breaking my vow and committing adultery. Can you forgive me?”

I remember in Coach Training I had said that my magic wand vision was to see my husband move back home and for us to experience reconciliation. It sounded impossible at the time, but Laura gave me hope. She said, “We see this happen all the time around here.”

She was right. After learning and using the Skills, my vision came true! My husband moved back home in December 2021! And the other relationship is long gone.

It’s been almost a year since then and I feel like we have a whole new marriage! The Intimacy Skills helped me draw my husband back and showed me how to create the marriage I have always wanted!