Coach Crystal

From Lonely to Loved Up

I’d been happily married to the love of my life for about 12 years when I found myself feeling exhausted, resentful and lonely. As far as I could see, all our problems stemmed from him not being affectionate towards me and not paying enough attention to me.

Our marriage had been a good one. We’d weathered the storms of running our own business, me having a chronic illness and the kids having ongoing health issues. Everything appeared to be fine on the surface, yet on the inside I felt alone and disconnected.

My husband had always been a workaholic and due to the nature of his complex work, even when he was at home his mind was still at work. When he took up a new sport it angered me because I missed his presence at home and sport was optional. I could see that exercising was so good for him and that I had no right to feel mad, so I pushed my feelings down.

It annoyed me that he would spend so much time looking at his phone. I saw this as evidence that he didn’t really love me. “See, he loves his phone more than me,” I would think to myself. I often had a feeling of being trapped and wanting to escape.

He would complain that I never backed up his parenting. But his way felt wrong to me. I was the one educated in holistic child development, and I thought that my way was superior to his. I had no clue this was disrespectful.

We didn’t have much outward conflict because I was more likely to stew silently than to be confrontational. Our way of handling conflict was to both withdraw. It was easy to think that everything was fine because there was never any fighting, but why did I feel so unloved? Withdrawing and withholding my love created distance, which felt lonely.

One day I told him how unhappy I was and that it was humiliating to have to beg for affection. He said that it was hard for him to come close to me because I put out a “prickly” vibe. What a revelation! I didn’t realise that I was putting out a prickly or resentful vibe.

That day it struck me that I could influence the health of my relationship. I realised that I was the one carrying resentment and I had the power to change it. I had become so accustomed to pushing my feelings down and trying to be “positive” that I could not see my part in creating the distance between us.

I had read Laura Doyle’s books early in our marriage, but knowing the Six Intimacy Skills™ was very different to actually practising them consistently. I reread the books, listened to podcasts and immersed myself in the Skills daily, allowing my heart and mind to be changed by them.

Daily practice was key to my transformation.

Firstly, I took responsibility for my own happiness. I stopped asking my husband for affection and instead gave myself the attention I so desperately needed.

I tailored physical self-care to the specific challenges of my illness, finding many ways to lift my mood. I reconnected with my soul through deep self-care.

Restoring my connection to my Source was what I didn’t know I needed most. The disconnection that I blamed my husband for was actually a disconnection from my own Self. Before marriage and children, spirituality had been the central focus of my life, and I let that become my focus again.

I realised I was doing too many things I didn’t want to do, overextending myself in the face of exhaustion. It was disrespectful to myself, which made me resentful towards others. I learnt to say no without guilt. I also learnt how to express my desires more freely.

I started being grateful for all the little things. Slowly I began relinquishing control of what my husband did and didn’t do, which gave me more freedom to live my own life.
I created a culture of respect in our home and started to receive graciously. I became braver and learnt how to be vulnerable (still a work in progress!). I chose to become a Girl of Fun and Light.

None of this was easy. At times it felt like I was turning around a freight train. It felt highly awkward, but I knew that doing something different was the path to getting different results.

As a result, my inner experience of life completely shifted. All resentment lifted and my heart became full of love. It actually felt like magic.

Consistent practice of the Skills allowed me to change my perceptions. When my perceptions changed, my world changed.

My husband still does lots of sports, works hard and goes on his devices whenever he sees fit, and I could not be happier. He is affectionate, supportive and most importantly very present in my life. We have a deep respect for one another as individuals and have deep philosophical conversations. He is the love of my life, my best friend, and he sees who I am. I have no doubts about how deeply he loves me.

We have a peaceful, happy home, and our daughters are thriving in all areas of their lives. My health is improving, and I live with a sense of freedom and peace.

Because of Relationship Coach Training, I feel confident I can resolve any relationship problem in all areas of my life. Quality of connection is far more important to me than quantity of connection.

My wish is to show as many women as possible how to move from feeling lonely and resentful to feeling loved and appreciated for who they really are. May all beings be happy!