Coach Diana D.

Journey of Healing

I used to be in so much pain, both emotionally and physically. The first time I got married, I was nineteen and had the sincerest intentions. However, within three years, my young marriage disintegrated.

The emotional pain of that relationship breakdown coincided with a new period of physical pain. I clearly remember the night when I woke up in agony; that date marked a line where I’ve been in chronic pain almost every day of my life since. A few months later, I had emergency surgery and after many, many years of being stuck in medical no man’s land, I was eventually diagnosed with endometriosis and adenomyosis.

When I remarried ten years later, it was the most joyous day of my life, with the exception of the birth of my only child. I had always said my son and I were a package deal, and the process of meeting and dating my now husband was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had. It was so exciting becoming a family of three and embarking on a new life together!

Almost as soon as we moved in, however, things changed with the increased stress of running a household. We each reacted to the pressure differently, and suddenly everything seemed so hard. We had barely started our lives together, but I already felt my husband pulling away.

We had so much love for and commitment to each other, so why were we disconnected? It seemed like we were on a rollercoaster, out of control, with big emotional ups and downs.

I’d try to reach out, but my attempts just seemed to make things worse. My husband would comment about how I was “never happy,” and I would start ruminating about how I had picked the wrong guy—again.

Alongside this rollercoaster was the insidious and ever-present physical pain of my medical issues. Like many women with chronic pain, I was able to present a happy face to the outside world. No one knew that I would sometimes have to pull over on the highway during my drive to work and throw up from pain. But I simply had to get through each day, no matter what.

However, once I got home, things would fall apart. As a single mum, I had been in control of everything. I worked incredibly hard to provide a wonderful life for my son and achieved the goals I set for myself, like buying a house and completing my master’s while working full time. It was hard to let go of this control (and the underlying expectation and fear) and share my life with my husband.

I remember telling my husband I did not feel really loved by him, and his face immediately crumpled. He seemed utterly shocked by what I had said. After a few moments of silence, he replied that he showed his love for me—for our small family—by all the things he did and by working so hard.

I felt so ashamed of my complaint. Seeing the pain on his face broke my heart.

My real breaking point came three years into our marriage. I was recovering from my fourth major surgery, a hysterectomy, which meant we would never be able to have our own baby. We were also grieving the sudden loss of a beloved family member. Both my husband and I were under a heavy cloud and our marriage was paying the price.

I knew something had to change, and my desperation to heal my marriage led me back to the work of Laura Doyle.

Two years earlier, I has come across Laura’s original book, The Surrendered Wife. I was hesitant about it, as I assumed “surrendered” meant “submissive”. When I finally read it, I was surprised to learn all the ways in which I was unknowingly being disrespectful to my husband and contributing to the tension.

I experimented with some suggestions in the book and was relieved to see small, positive changes. With that confidence, I put that book aside, thinking “I’ve got this”. But now, during my lowest point, I wanted to go all in. I signed up for private coaching and haven’t looked back since. A year later, I’m in Relationship Coach Training, and I know that this will likely be a lifelong journey.

My surgeon once told me that getting surgery was easy; it’s after, during all the days, months, and years that follow, when the real work starts—we called it “the bootcamp of healing”. I couldn’t do it alone. Having an amazing team of health professionals was key to healing physically. Likewise, to heal emotionally and heal my marriage, I needed the ongoing accountability, solidarity, and inspiration that comes only from being in a safe space with other women.

Today, I am no longer in that same level of pain, either physically or emotionally, and life looks so much brighter. Healing will always be a lifelong journey, but I wouldn’t want to do it with anyone but my husband by my side.

We’ve regained the connection we used to have and that feeling of being a team. Even though life happens and things get messy, that sense of being on a rollercoaster has diminished, as I now have a clear set of tools to restore the intimacy between us.

I have changed my focus to what’s working and how I’m showing up in the world, as in the end, that’s the only thing I have control of anyway.

When I was overwhelmed by the pain of endometriosis, I was desperate to read case studies from women who had found relief. I am sharing my marriage story with the same idea of providing hope to others.

As Christiane Northrup said, “Every woman who heals herself helps heal all the women who came before her and all those who come after her”.