Coach Gretchen

The End

Four years ago, I nearly lost my son in a car accident—and nearly lost my marriage.

My husband responded to the stress as he usually did: with work, anger and blame. I responded to him the way I usually did: with “help” and control.

During these dark days, our kids saw us yell at each other for the first time publicly, threaten divorce, and pull away from each other and from them. Their whole worlds were falling apart and instead of having solid parents they could lean on, they had squabbling, angry parents full of blame, resentment, bitterness and constant arguing.

With this crisis, all our worst practices came out and I called my pastor saying I could not go on like this.

Thankfully, our son eventually recovered physically. Upon coming home from his out-of-state accident, we immediately started going to our pastor for counseling. This was followed by a marriage counselor and marriage specialist before trying a friend as mediator.

None of it helped.

In counseling, my husband would say things like “I feel like a caged animal,” “I will NOT be controlled,” “She lets her emotions control her,” and “I view life as a playground and she views life as a prison.”

None of this made sense. Counseling only made matters worse. We both pointed out what was wrong with the other person and heard only what supported our own views.

The tension at home was thick, and fragile because although there could be weeks without a blowup, eventually there would be an explosive argument that would result in my husband leaving for days. I never knew when that would be or what would set it off, so there was always fear, insecurity and eggshells. The smallest issues could result in an explosion. In five sentences, things could escalate from calm to rage.

Truth is, this pattern had existed for years, in private. I thought that all couples fought and went through rough patches.

My husband would often say things like “You are never happy,” “Nothing is ever good enough for you,” “You are a perfectionist and never satisfied,” “As soon as we reach one level, you raise the standard to the next level,” “You are never grateful,” and “Why are you always competing with me?”

He had an idea of what was wrong, but it only hurt me and felt like a personal attack so he could deny any contribution to the problems. I could not see what he meant; I was trying to be a good wife! My response was to over explain myself, defend, argue, use Scripture, feel “unheard,” like I had “no voice” or was “not appreciated,” then to pout because he was so angry and “verbally abusive.”

We went out to dinner for our anniversary and ended up fighting before our meals arrived. We left not speaking to each other—for several days.

I was too dependent on him to make me happy. I started to see some patterns in my responses and behaviors but did not know what to do differently. I had a lot of insecurity from the things he yelled, the name-calling, the blaming, and the rejection.

This dragged on for nearly two years and my husband gave up on counseling, saying it was a waste of time and money because I was never going to change.

After another huge blowup (which usually would start on a date and end up in a secluded parking lot, where we would yell at one another for hours), I came home and googled “Why does my husband hate me?” A post by Laura Doyle came up that provided insight into my longtime puzzle.

First, I downloaded Laura’s roadmap and listened to the audiobook The Surrendered Wife then the book now titled The Empowered Wife. Immediately, I started to use the Six Intimacy Skills™. Finally, someone had answers for me about what to do. A woman who’d had the same struggles understood and knew how hard it was AND had specific tools that would empower me to change.

I finally understood!

By the end of April, just months later, I felt completely different about my husband and things began to improve. I was not as reactionary. I was quiet more. I listened. I offered my opinion less. I did not go into Needless Emotional Turmoil about kids, life, and family, overreacting and causing more stress. I was doing self-care for the first time EVER. I was going to friends with many problems. I was smiling and saying “thank you” sincerely. I was even stating desires and he was fulfilling them.

I was a baby at the Intimacy Skills and faltered a lot. With every mess up of mine, he went back to old accusations. Listening to the book and to coaching daily was a necessary re-focus. I continued to show up differently, apologizing for being controlling. I started to smile more and look for things to praise.

Still, it was like the Paula Abdul song that says “I take two steps forward, I take two steps back.” A few months later, another explosion seemed to take us right back to square one briefly, but now I knew how to restore respect. I got some coaching in the group coaching program. Huge help! I felt heard, supported and got clarity on how to show up.

By January 2020, we were in a healthier place, but there was no emotional safety for either one of us. No exploding, but we could not share our feelings, fears, doubts, or dreams with one another. I was stuck on some old mindsets that were blocking me from letting down my wall altogether.

In April, after a difficult doctor’s appointment, I finally got some private Laura Doyle coaching. This helped remove the remaining blindspots about the way he loved me and what to do with my hurts from the past.

Since then, things have only flourished. We have a new relationship that is better than it ever WAS. He is thriving without control and continually does things to delight me and make me happy. He works harder than ever and knows it is appreciated. He hugs and kisses me hourly and tells me he loves me.

There is peace now. I know how to make myself happy and he knows I am pleasable. It is now safe for us to bring concerns, frustrations, hurts and even feelings to each other.

Recently, I cleaned out the fridge cheerfully; in the past I resented his “neat freak” side. He responded, “That is my love language.”

We went back to that restaurant where we had our anniversary dinner two years ago. We lingered over wine, laughing and talking comfortably. Honestly, the salad was not good and they overcharged us, but I know the secret of relinquishing control now, and such things no longer ruin a lovely evening.

Things are flourishing with my children now too. Yesterday, my 21-year-old daughter welcomed my company at a doctor’s appointment. In the past, she only felt judged and condemned for her eating choices and chose to go alone.

Today, my son sent a text saying, “Thank you for all the support you give.” I did not know how to support him in the past; I knew only how to correct, advise, and criticize.

April 13th marked four years since the accident that nearly took my son’s life—and started the journey to surrender, giving me a marriage that is better than it ever was before.

I am grateful for these Skills, which have shone a light on my blindspots, created a transformation in our family and empowered me to embrace our “happily ever after.”