Coach Jenny

The bad old days…

I remember standing in our bright white kitchen when my twins were a few months old, one strapped to my front and one strapped to my back. I had on those yellow rubber gloves and was trying to hand-wash the dishes because we did not have a dishwasher and because I hated the way my husband wasted water when he did them.

I used to be a glass-half-full person. I saw the positives in all situations. That was until my glass—and my life—turned upside down.

Shortly after our twins were born, things began to fall apart.

I was exhausted from mid-night feedings, pumping milk in bathroom stalls, managing the household, managing my work team, and trying to hold it all together like a good wife, mother and worker should.

My 41-year-old brother-in-law had just died of cancer, my mother-in-law had cancer and my husband constantly complained about how he hated his job and how unhappy he was. He was drinking all the time, and I thought he was just not capable.

I was doing the best I could, but it was not good enough.

My glass was empty.

Let’s rewind…

I was a successful career woman, self-starter, and self-reliant individual. I worked two jobs, saved my money and bought a cozy little home for one. I worked my way into a management role, was completing triathlons and finding success in all areas. All areas except marriage.

At 29 I married the man of my dreams. He made me laugh, he was creative and always up for an adventure: camping, hiking, biking, or cocktails and dancing at a fancy restaurant. I loved it all and we were so happy!

Five years later, I was not laughing anymore. I was not adventurous. I was overwhelmed and my marriage was falling apart.

So, I turned back to my glass-half-full mantra and began to take charge of everything. I thought being positive meant you had to work hard, help others, and always have the answers to problems.

I figured if I made all the decisions and took care of everything for our family, we would get back on track.

I managed the budget, the laundry, the cars, and the childcare schedule. I told my husband when and how to help with the kids, when to mow the lawn, and what to buy (or not buy) on the credit card.

I even told him what roads to take to get to OUR house! Ouch!

As you can imagine, instead of making things better, my desire to control made everything worse. Especially with my husband.

One night he asked to sit and talk with me. I snapped at him, saying “I don’t have the luxury of time to talk.” He stopped trying to talk with me after that.

We were struggling.

Our life was not what I had pictured it would be.

I was embarrassed to talk to my friends or family, and I was certain my husband was to blame. All I really wanted was for someone to hold me and tell me it was going to be okay.

The choices I made next turned out to be very painful and destroyed all trust my husband had in me. I lied to my friends, my family, and my husband. Worst of all, I lied to myself.

When I woke up to the pain I was causing, we tried to get back on track by going to marriage counseling. That didn’t work.

I was back to square one—hopeless, mad and fearful my mistakes would lead to losing my marriage and my kids.

My husband asked why I wanted to stay in the marriage. Of course, I said, “For the family, for the kids and because I love you.” When he asked why I loved him, I didn’t know. I couldn’t come up with one single thing. But somewhere, deep down, I knew I did.

Walking through a bookstore, the words “Desired, cherished and adored for life” jumped out at me. That was everything I wanted! I picked up the book now entitled The Empowered Wife and read it cover to cover overnight.

I cried, because for the first time I had someone who understood my struggle, my pain and my desire to be loved and cared for. I cried because I realized I had been the one pouring out the happiness in my cup. And, I cried because Laura said that with the Six Intimacy Skills™ I could turn my life and my marriage around.

Could this be real? I was scared to try.

I bravely joined the Ridiculously Happy Wives group, and drop by drop our relationship improved as I started using the Skills. I found self-care and the little things that made me happy, like scented lotions, drinking tea or riding my bike. I found duct tape and stopped rolling my eyes when my husband fed the kids french fries for the third day in a row. And, instead of yelling about wasting water, I said thank you when he did the dishes.

With the Skills, I began to let go of my controlling ways, rebuild trust and see the person I wanted to become. I really knew the Skills were working when I finally realized that all my husband ever wanted was to please me and make me happy. I could easily find all the reasons I loved him: He was kind and generous. He was funny and loving, and he was an amazing father.

It was real. I had found a place to belong, a community that listened and coaches who gave me the tools to find happiness.

Now my glass is overflowing, and our marriage is amazing. We laugh, we go on adventures and my husband showers me with love and care. I really don’t know where my marriage would be if I didn’t have the Six Intimacy Skills.