Coach Kome

I Was Blind, but Now I See

My husband and I have been married for twenty years. We met in our early 20s and started our friendship with a lot of hope and dreams for the future. During our courtship, I really felt loved and adored by him, and I had high expectations for our marriage.

I became disappointed when my husband’s energy and focus shifted from me to his work a few months into our marriage. He told me his goal was to provide the best for our family, and he pursued his work with the same zeal that he had used to woo me. Missing being the center of his attention, I began to criticize and complain so much that I drove him more into his work. I thought it was his job to make me happy.

This first year our conflicts began, we received couple counseling from our local church. During these sessions I complained about my husband’s faults and I am saddened to remember how critical I was. I once wrote a four-page letter to my church leader about my disappointments!

As the years went by, my disrespect showed up in other areas of our lives when we moved our family to North America from my country, with the attendant challenges of settling down as immigrants.

In 2019, I asked my husband for a separation on the advice of our counselor after one year of marriage counseling. My marriage felt like drudgery; I was lonely, hurt, resentful and overwhelmed with our relational conflicts and their negative impact on our family.

I thought living apart for a period might help our intimacy, but I did not want a divorce because of my Christian beliefs. My husband stated that separation was equal to divorce and proposed that we solve our problems without any third party. It was very challenging, as I felt that all our problems were his fault.

In 2020, we had a total breakdown, causing my husband to take up a job abroad before the Covid-19 pandemic started. His absence made me realize I didn’t want a separation or a divorce and that I desired to stay married.

In my desperation I prayed a lot to God and during one particularly difficult day, I found the book The Empowered Wife in my home library. I had bought the book on the recommendation of a friend but had not read it. What now piqued my attention about the book was the premise that I could change my marriage without my husband’s conscious effort. The promise was amazing and I immediately signed up for coaching.

During the months of the pandemic, my communications with my husband were initially terse, hurtful and painful. I had fears of losing him, my children, my job and dying from Covid-19 infection. In addition, our oldest daughter was going away to college and my older sister passed away during this period. I felt all alone.

I focused intensely on practicing the Six Intimacy Skills™ because I wanted my marriage healed. I delved into self-care, incorporating three things into my daily routine, and also practiced the Skill of respect, as I recognized how much my disrespect had cost me the intimacy in my marriage. I wrote text messages and emails apologizing to my husband for my past disrespect. I also started practicing gratitude as I discovered that my husband was indeed a blessing to me.

Our communications were mainly through text messages and at some points in my journey I felt despair and wondered if the Intimacy Skills were working when my husband did not respond the way I had envisaged.

With coaching, I relinquished control of his responses and the timeline and began practicing the Skills for me, choosing my faith over my fears and staying on my paper. I began practicing journaling “How do I feel? What do I want” to help me identify my desires and soon after began noticing the positive change in my husband’s responses.

The Skill I found most difficult to practice was vulnerability. I once shared how I missed him and told him I would love to have him home for Christmas as my Christmas present.

After twelve months of separation, my husband came back home unannounced for Christmas. He truly was my best Christmas gift ever! He had planned to stay for one month but he ended up spending three months with me.

Practicing the Intimacy Skills with my husband physically present at home was a slow dance. The peace in our home is a miracle! We have fewer conflicts and I am quick to apologize for my disrespect when I slip. My husband is smiling more and sharing more about his work. I relinquished control of our finances to him and he stepped up to be my hero. Our physical intimacy is restored and his relationship with our daughters is now being slowly restored.

My desire to help other hurting women was ignited and I signed up for Relationship Coach Training when a few friends with whom I’d shared the Skills began having transformation in their own marriages.

I feel empowered. I am happier and seeing changes in all areas of my life as I practice the Skills both at home and at my workplace. I have learned that each person is the expert in his or her own life and that I cannot control anyone but myself. My power lies squarely on my paper. I learned that my default nature is to be controlling and that I need like-minded women to support me in uncovering my blind spots.

I am very grateful to God for the discovery of Laura Doyle and the Six Intimacy Skills. Most of all, I am grateful for the Connection Framework of women working together to end world divorce.