Coach Kristen

I Was Heading for My Second Divorce Before My One-Year Anniversary!

Back in the ’90s, I did not know the Six Intimacy Skills™, and sadly my first marriage ended in divorce before my twin sons were four years old. I dedicated my life to raising them, and for fifteen years I was in charge and ran the household.

When my sons left for college, I opened my heart again to love, and God brought an amazing man into my life. In our whirlwind of a romance, before I knew it he had moved in. Due to my faith, I was not comfortable living together before marriage. I grabbed the reins, told David that he did not have to get me a ring, and said, “Let’s hurry up and get married!” To make me happy, he complied and we got hitched in Las Vegas.

Despite our love, we fought a lot. He complained that I was treating him like a son and that I was “trying to wear the pants.”

After years on my own, I did not know how to let go of the controlling reins. David wanted to be my man and I prevented this. I attempted to control his choices around his career, parenting, eating and drinking! I’d compulsively try to control and the fights would escalate to shouting. Then I would be crying alone.

One dark day, my husband mentioned picking up a coffee cake for his daughters. I exclaimed in a bossy tone, “I’ll get it; I know what they like.” He was furious that I declared that I knew better than him about what his kids liked!

At the same time, I would not respect anything he said about my adult sons. One Christmas visit, he requested that I ask them to do their own dishes. Instead of respecting his reasonable request, I got defensive and another huge fight erupted.

Our old dance usually consisted of me trying to control and him resisting!

An all-time low occurred when my husband called his daughter during a fight to cancel our dinner with her and told her we were getting a divorce! I was devastated! I was also embarrassed because it was only four months into our marriage!

Those times were painful for me because I wanted to be true to my faith and a respectful wife, but I did not know how. Deep inside I knew I was ruining my second chance at love and marriage.

In late-night desperation, I googled topics such as “how to recover from a terrible fight” and “how to be a respectful wife.” I kept finding Laura Doyle blogs and podcasts during these lonely post-fight searches.

Laura’s podcasts gave me so much hope! I downloaded the book The Surrendered Wife on my phone. I was astonished by how much I could relate to Laura’s story. I listened every day on my commute and began to implement the Intimacy Skills.

Although my marriage began to improve as I implemented the Skills to the best of my ability, I needed more help and wanted to enroll in Relationship Coach Training.

You see, thirty years ago I knew that empowering women was truly a life purpose, yet I was so off-track. I believed that women’s empowerment had to do with not needing men. During my surrendering journey, I have learned that good men truly want to make women happy and we have so much beautiful feminine power in our relationships!

I knew that Coach Training was for me and I wanted to go all in! I scheduled my Discovery Call. Then Covid hit and I lost my job. Laura’s books taught me to put faith over fear and I proceeded with the call. Since I did not have an income, I did not enroll, yet I expressed my desire to God and to my husband and left the door open.

Within weeks my unemployment benefits began to pile up since the debit card got lost in the mail. By the time the card arrived, I had secured some part-time work with my previous company and there was enough on the card to enroll in Coach Training.

This was the beginning of many miracles.

As I dove into the Skills, the first big lightbulb moment for me was around relinquishing control. During a coaching session, I had a breakthrough that upping my self-care was key to more easily let go of controlling my husband.

Previously, when I would find him enjoying himself with beer and television, I would be resentful. I learned that if I filled up on activities that brought me joy, I would be more able to give my husband freedom. I stopped seeing his drinking as something bad he was doing to me and instead his own choice of self-care.

Amazingly, the more I focus on my self-care and relinquish control, the less he drinks. Now I know that when I feel critical and controlling it is time to up my self-care.

There are miracles in every area of my life due to the Intimacy Skills. My young adult sons are becoming more mature and stable as I relinquish control of their lives. Instead of trying to jump in and fix their problems, I tell them how strong and capable they are and I trust them to be the experts on their own lives.

Another miracle is that I have given up my title of “Budget Queen.” I was so proud of this title in the past. The same woman who once discouraged her husband from buying an engagement ring, now I wear a delicate necklace he bought me to remind myself to receive graciously. I see evidence every day that my husband wants to please me.

One more miracle is that I apologized to my first husband for my mistakes in that marriage. For too many years I believed it was all his fault. We have a good friendship and co-parenting relationship today.

With gratitude, I sit with my coffee on my couch overlooking a beautiful ocean view and thank God for all of the miracles in my life.