Coach Lucy

Coming Home to Myself and My Husband

It was never a question of being devoted. I was always driven to be what I thought was a perfect wife. I wanted to have a perfectly clean home, serve a delicious healthy dinner every night on a beautiful table, and be kind and patient every day to my husband and of course my kids.

The only thing was, the harder I tried to be all this, the shorter I fell. I would strive to please my husband, longing to be cherished and adored, as I had been when we were dating, when he brought me flowers and cried with gratitude for having found me. I knew I had married the most loyal, golden hearted man I had ever met.

It was going to be so much better than my first marriage of twelve years, when multiple emotional affairs led to many nights spent crying. My first husband and I constantly made bad decisions because we were always competing and neither of us would tolerate the other taking the lead.

Yet even in my new, fresh marriage, things felt frighteningly familiar at times. I was haunted by a familiar ache to control things I couldn’t, lonely nights spent crying as my husband played on his phone. I scared myself with occasional temper tantrums and instantly regretted them when I saw the cold look in his eyes afterward and felt him emotionally retreat.

One day, I was kissing my husband after not having seen him for a while, and he smelled of cigarettes. He had successfully quit smoking, or so I thought, something that was incredibly important to me. I asked him if he had smoked and he said “no.” I got back into my car and cried.

All the pain of betrayal, so familiar from my first marriage, came rushing back to me. Apparently, I could not trust this man either.

Clearly, his addiction issues were going to be a serious problem for us. I tried bringing him to the doctor. I tried bringing him to the pastor. I tried to make him go to the hypnotist. He wouldn’t really participate and smoked on the way home.

I knew I was right. I prepared a speech in which I would set a boundary. It didn’t go well.

It sounded to him like I was making an ultimatum, and he looked at me like, “How could you? Over smoking? I was smoking when we were dating!”

In the lonely aftermath of that conversation, I realized that there was another feeling that was terribly familiar from my first marriage. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I knew it was in me. I had the clear thought, “This right here, this flaw I had, could ruin this amazing marriage too.”

I realized with terror that I was the common denominator.

I started searching earnestly for a solution. I got in touch with a marriage counselor. I ordered several books about marriage. One of them was a book I saw frequently recommended called The Surrendered Wife.

As soon as I picked up the book, I knew that I had found the solution. Laura was explaining exactly what I had been trying to figure out: what it was about me that was ruining relationships. It was something I had been trying to figure out my whole life! I felt a lot of relief.

However, I also became keenly aware of my mistakes—so much so that I often found myself crying during those first days! It was as if someone had taken my blinders off to how habitually disrespectful I was to everyone, not just my husband. Plus, I went through a lot of pain wishing that I’d had the Six Intimacy Skills™ and the Laura Doyle community when I went through terrible struggles in my first marriage, struggles that were still playing out from my teens.

I started experimenting with the Intimacy Skills by saying “Whatever you think” every chance I got. My husband started responding differently to me! He showed up in my home office, wondering what I was doing, seeing if I was free to make love!

I stepped back and watched him step up to take our boys to daycare each morning, even packing their lunches. I received these changes graciously and expressed a lot of gratitude!

I even surrendered the finances by saying “I can’t do this anymore” before even finishing the book. I watched my husband stand taller right before my eyes in that moment. He is still standing taller!

Now, my marriage is peaceful, fun, and passionate. My husband holds a vision for our family that incorporates all my deepest desires. We are always planning fun date nights and getaways!

He frequently says to me, “You are the best thing that ever happened to me.” He follows me around, telling me his deepest thoughts on everything. He is constantly working to please me and make me happy, with a smile on his face and so much laughter every day.

We have grown more prosperous in a short time and are helping my teens launch into the next phase of their lives with confidence! My house is clean because my whole family enjoys helping and feels appreciated when they do!

Home is a place of deep security for me, providing the support I need to be the best version of myself.

This work has changed my life so much, and all the changes have been so positive, that I knew I wanted to become a relationship coach. I’ve found my people: a community of friends equally committed to their families. I’ve never been more grateful for anything, and I know that it’s just the beginning—I will deepen my Skills and community even more as a coach! I can’t wait!