Coach Rebecca M

Pleaser to Pleased

It was love at first sight.

I fell head over heels and married the man of my dreams! The feeling was mutual, as he had wished for me too! I felt truly seen, valued, cherished and adored by him. We were blissfully in love and incredibly happy—for a while.

After a few years, my husband didn’t seem as happy anymore. I thought it was my job to make him happy, so I panicked and tried even harder to please him and meet his increasingly unreasonable demands and expectations. I became a super-pleaser, self-sacrificing martyr. I willingly gave up my career, friendships, hobbies and everything else that brought me joy, in order to cater to his every whim and desire.

I completely exhausted myself and it STILL wasn’t enough to make him happy. Then he actually turned on me! He became very angry, controlling, demanding, suspicious and miserable to be around! I was utterly confused, exhausted, resentful and scared! I didn’t understand what had gone wrong, and I had nothing left to give.

I walked around on eggshells all the time and lived in a constant state of anxiety. I was afraid of my husband and didn’t feel safe in our home.

During this dark and scary time, a woman at church told me about Laura’s book The Empowered Wife. I read it and was filled with hope that I could possibly turn things around single-handedly!

I began practicing the Six Intimacy Skills™ on my own. I started by asking myself “How do I feel?” and “What do I want?” It was awkward and uncomfortable at first. I had abandoned myself for so long that I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I needed to get reacquainted with myself and start building a life of authenticity—instead of fearfully being who I thought my husband wanted me to be. It was a difficult and painful process.

I realized I needed more support, so I used the money I had saved to run away to hire a coach. With her encouragement, I began to honor myself by identifying and expressing my desires and limits.

It was very scary at first because I didn’t know how my husband would respond or whether my needs and desires mattered to him. I was so afraid that my conflicting desires might mean the end of our marriage. He was used to getting his way all the time, so he really didn’t like it and I got a lot of bait (at first), but once I learned how to express my desires in a way that inspires—without fear or resentment—he responded very well!

I started small by expressing frivolous desires that I knew wouldn’t conflict with what he wanted. For example, I expressed a desire for pretty string lights on the roof. To my surprise, my husband jumped right on it and hung some beautiful string lights the very next week!

I could see that he really did want to be my hero and make me happy!

Another Skill that has been transformational in my journey is gratitude. I began shifting my focus to all that I loved, admired and appreciated about my husband, and I started thanking him for all that he contributed to my life. It really shifted my heart and the atmosphere in our home for the better as I found more and more to be grateful for!

I also started noticing the negative thoughts I had about my husband and started flipping them upside down to create a new belief, or Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy. For example, when I caught myself thinking “My husband is miserable to be around,” I flipped it to “My husband is a pleasure to be around!” Almost immediately, I began finding evidence to support my new belief that my husband is indeed a pleasure to be around.

Through shifting my focus, my husband’s faults seem to have disappeared! Family, friends, and even the dog have noticed and enjoy spending time with him now, where they had avoided him before!

We recently returned from a trip where we had been four years earlier during the darkest time of our marriage, right before I discovered the Intimacy Skills. It’s amazing to see the contrast after the transformation that has occurred over the last four years!

Becoming my best self has also brought out the best in my husband and I feel like we have a brand new marriage!

I am safe, supported and free to be myself and share my true feelings and desires with him. We laugh together and enjoy each other’s company.

He now takes pleasure in pleasing ME and making ME happy! He recently said that he finally understands the saying “Happy Wife, Happy Life”! He seems to have found a new purpose in being my hero. My desires have become the North Star and guiding light for our marriage. He says that I am the dreamer and he is the dream-maker!

I have truly rediscovered my Prince Charming and feel like a princess in a real-life fairy tale!

As peace was restored to my marriage and my time and energy freed up, I became aware of a longing in my heart for a new purpose. I prayed that God would lead me to meaningful work that is in alignment with His will for my life and marriage. Shortly thereafter, I came across Laura Doyle’s Relationship Coach Training—an answer to my prayers! I expressed this BIG desire to my husband and he was super supportive!

Training to become a relationship coach has provided me with the highest level of support and accountability to delve deeply into the Skills and continue my own transformation. It has brought me back to life and given me a purpose and a platform to become the best version of myself!

My confidence and courage have skyrocketed as my pain has been transformed into purpose! My life has new meaning now, as I get to stand as a beacon of hope and inspiration for women who are still suffering. It is my honor to take them by the hand and lead them out of the darkness into the light of possibility to create the life and marriage of their dreams!

What a privilege it is to be a part of this amazing community of courageous women standing for marriage on a mission to end world divorce.