Coach Robyn

My Surrendering Story 

I owe meeting my husband to Laura Doyle. I read her book The Surrendered Single. It was brilliant. I began smiling at everyone and being open to receiving. She talked about the pitfalls of internet dating, and I learnt how to be authentic if I didn’t like the person after the first date. 

That wasn’t the case when I met Vinci online. We made a lovely connection right from the first date. He couldn’t get enough of me and wanted to see me all the time. When we got married I had this lovely image in my mind of us living happily together in peace and harmony, of doing fun things together, of laughing and giggling and having playful sex.

But very soon the reality was not the same as the picture I held in my mind. It was not happy, peaceful and connected. We argued a lot. I was very lonely in this second marriage.

He didn’t seem to want to make me happy. I had no idea that it was my responsibility to make myself happy. I thought that’s what husbands did for wives when they married. I was so sad. I cried a lot. 

I was all over his paper. He clearly had no dress sense, so I told him what to wear and when to wear it. I told him how to prepare food—my way. I felt this need to apologize to friends and family for his non-PC way of expressing things. 

I was of the belief that you don’t go to bed angry with each other. So we stayed up late when we were both very tired trying to talk it through, which made things worse.

When we disagreed, I would often shout at him because I was so frustrated that he didn’t understand me. Why couldn’t he listen?! I would walk out of the room in the middle of an argument frustrated to the max. I was sure if he really heard me he would get it and things would be resolved. But that never happened. He was too busy defending himself. We were not on the same page with so many things. 

I thought if only he would change we would have a happy marriage.

I honestly don’t know how my husband got through the bad old days. I was so critical and needy, and honestly unreasonable at times. I was insecure and prickly, and I took things he said personally—all the time! He has told me that if my opinion wasn’t implemented it was “‘Press the deployment button; we are going into battle.”’ He often said it was my way or the highway, that I thought I needed to go into battle to be heard, but the opposite was true.

I didn’t like the way I showed up in my marriage: so undignified with so much Needless Emotional Turmoil. I decided I needed to find out how to be a respectful, happy wife. I looked Laura up online again and found her book The Empowered Wife. I couldn’t put it down; I saw myself in so much of what she described. 

When the realisation hit me that I was most probably the cause of all our marital misery, I was mortified.

I began to implement the 6 Intimacy Skills™, starting with a genuine apology for disrespecting him when I didn’t accept what he did and how he did things and for not accepting him for who he is, complaining, criticising and judging him. 

I relinquished control of so many things but not his wardrobe to start with! I began to really understand what respect looked like for a man, so I stopped advising him and helping him with stuff. He didn’t need a mother; he needed a wife who believed in him. I learnt how to receive, to be grateful.

Self-care was a steep learning curve. Firstly I needed to understand that it was my responsibility to make myself happy. When I did practice self-care, it was so much easier to show up happy and not react to Vinci’s ways of doing things, which might have irritated me before. I could laugh at his dad jokes.

There is laughter in our home again. I am calm and peaceful and mostly show up with a genuine smile. The fighting has stopped—yes, stopped! I receive his gestures of love. We snuggle on the couch most every evening laughing and giggling.

Vinci tells me every day that he loves me. I’m his “Chooky! It is truly wonderful. 

It took a bit of exploring to know how to express a pure desire that inspires. What was my desire? I had to really look at what my desires were and share them without expectation. 

I expressed my desire to have a seven-seater SUV so I could take the grandchildren on outings together. My sons tried to talk me out of my choice but not Vinci: “If that’s what Chooky wants then that’s what she shall have”. I couldn’t believe my ears. We test drove every seven-seater brand on the market. I loved the Santa Fe. He thought it was the best too but wasn’t going to tell me until I had decided for myself. 

His kindness ripples through everything he does for me.

He thanked me for changing our marriage and making it happy. He told me how unhappy he had been in our marriage and at a loss to know how to make it better. I knew I was unhappy in our marriage but never realised the depth of his pain. When he took a job in Australia for a year commuting from New Zealand he was relieved to be away from me. He said he never gave up hope and prayed every Monday morning on his two-hour commute to the airport that God would help me.

He now spontaneously shares about his life and things in his world. I think he feels accepted and safe now that I’ve relinquished control of him, stopped being critical and trying to change him. We love to just sit outside in the portico and chat. When he travels away for work now he misses me and I miss him so much. 

I know now that he truly wants to make me happy—always did! 

From the time I learnt about the Intimacy Skills, a strong desire grew in me to train as a coach so I could help other hurting women. I looked up Relationship Coach Training, read all about it, looked at the cost, converted it to New Zealand dollars, closed the page with a sigh and shelved the idea. There was no way I could afford that! 

But the desire never went away. I finally had a Discovery Call with Coach Stefanie, who figured out that I was too scared to express my pure desire to my husband. She encouraged me to talk to him. 

We talked. He expressed his delight in how I had changed and could see my passion. Right there he offered to pay for it. I was so elated; I never thought this would be the outcome. 

He has been so incredibly supportive throughout my training, reminding me of my calls and making a space for me to study. 

I had a big health challenge in November 2021 with an aneurysm, which could have taken me out, but I survived. I know now that this mission to help Laura Doyle end world divorce is a big part of my life purpose.

I am so grateful for everything in my life, which is so different now. I can use the Skills to refocus my view on all the positive things, whereas before I focused on what I deemed lacking in our marriage and in him. Coach Training has deepened my understanding of the Skills. 

One of the things we used to fight about was traveling, which I wanted to do, but he would never commit to planning a trip. Recently, after sorting out his investment in Australia, he said what he really wanted the money for was to have enough for retirement and to travel. I was blown away. He explained that he never wanted to travel before, when I was “the way I was”. 

I’m so excited for our future together and realising my desire to travel.

Showing up as my best self and staying on my own paper has transformed not only my marriage but all my relationships, especially with my adult sons. They are much more relaxed with me and know I believe the best about them and trust them to take care of their own families well. 

I am so grateful for all the Skills. Thank you, Laura.