Coach Ruchi
- California, United States
- Language: English, Gujarati, HindiEmail: coachwithruchi@gmail.com
My Metamorphosis…
We met in January, were engaged in June, and got married in December of the same year. He checked so many of my boxes; plus my intuition and what I considered to be signs from God all pointed to the fact that this was meant to be.
As right as it all seemed, we had challenges from the onset. This had me feeling insecure and operating out of fear; it fueled my urge to control and be in the know of everything, but I thought I was doing what any wife would do.
Then kids came into the picture. Things on the surface seemed fine, but I was really frustrated and hurt. I often thought, if I love him, respect him and his parents, am raising well-behaved and respectful kids, work so hard to support the family, cook meals and maintain our home, then I am an ideal wife.
So then why was I feeling so unappreciated and lonely? Why were we arguing so much? Why were we so distant?
I found myself overtired, resentful, and easily irritable. I complained that he did not love me or care for me. I was not happy, and I blamed him for the sad wife and the overwhelmed mom that I had become. This affected my mood and my physical health.
This was not the kind of marriage I had dreamt of for years.
One night, I came across a discussion online about relationship challenges, and one woman shared that Laura Doyle’s book The Empowered Wife was a must-have in the relationship toolbox. I immediately bought the book.
Reading it was such an eye-opening and humbling experience. I could see all that I had done to bring our relationship to the point where I felt lonely, and I realized why we were not living the marriage of my dreams. I saw how controlling and disrespectful I had been throughout our marriage. I told him how to parent, how and what he should do for his business, and forced him to go to Sunday school with kids and me.
I often felt that I knew better. I also put the responsibility of my happiness on him. I had deprived him of the air and space he needed to be the husband and father he wanted to be.
This hit me like a ton of bricks because I always felt that I was being a helpful, dutiful, and respectful wife.
As painful as these realizations were, I was thrilled to know that there was hope and I could change the dance to restore the peace, connection, and intimacy in my relationship.
This began my journey with the Six Intimacy Skills™.
After gaining all this awareness, the first thing I did was restore the respect with an apology to my husband for my contribution to the challenges in our marriage.
Secondly, I allowed space for his thoughts and ideas. He had many! I learned not to offer “help” or opinions and to trust his judgment. Restoring respect was a critical first step to bringing peace to our home.
The next Skill I needed to tackle was relinquishing control of his process and moods.
As I dabbled with the Skills on my own from the book, I was seeing some progress, but I wanted more support. I received that through Laura’s group coaching program. This program helped me stay accountable and continue practicing and digging deeper with the Skills to uproot some very old, stubborn ways of being and underlying fears.
I realized that I had an illusion of what romance and love look like and held my husband to those standards. I wanted to be wooed, adored, and cherished in those ways. When that would not happen, I complained that I did not feel loved. I kept focusing on what he was not doing and did not appreciate all that he was doing.
Once I was able to focus on all that he was doing for me and our family to lighten my load and make me happy, my heart filled up with so much admiration and gratitude for him. This reminded me of why I said yes to him in the first place.
The novel concept of self-care empowered me to be responsible for my own happiness. When I realized and accepted that my husband could add to my happiness (but is not responsible for it), that took so much pressure off him. I learned to ask myself “How do I feel and what do I want?” and did something about it rather than sulk around until he fulfilled my desires.
While I made myself happy through self-care, I also learned how to express my desires without complaining, which inspired my husband to become my hero and add to my happiness.
Consistently practicing the Skills made me more attractive to my husband, and I restored the peace in our home.
Appreciation and gratitude replace complaints. Disrespect is quickly cleaned up with an apology. Emotional safety is being created. I now feel like I truly am a respectful and dignified wife. He fulfills my desires, lightens my load, and enjoys spending time with and sharing things with me.
I felt so successful and validated when he said, “This program was the best thing you could have done for us…”
I am so grateful that our kids get to witness a peaceful, happy marriage of parents who share mutual love and respect.
I was so inspired by my transformation, and the support and safety provided by the coaches and other like-minded women, that I decided to become a permanent part of this community and became a coach. I am excited to join Laura Doyle in her mission to end world divorce. I would love to introduce the toolbox of the Six Intimacy Skills to women in all phases of life to rely on when experiencing challenges in their relationships.