Coach Tanya

Tanya, what story title would you like to use?

Before Relationship Coach Training, my marriage was heading for a divorce. Both my husband and I were extremely unhappy with our marriage. We both wanted a great marriage; we just had no idea how to get there. I do not believe in divorce. I know I married the right man and desperately wanted to improve our marriage.

I started our marriage as a working girl, but as both our careers grew, along with our children, we reached a point where we wanted one of us to raise our two sons instead of a nanny raising them. So I became a stay-at-home mom. Upon leaving my career, I felt I needed to do everything to earn my keep, and I was stressed out and exhausted all the time, never asking for help.

I cherished raising my children and being present for their childhoods but was losing myself and forgetting how to be my husband’s wife in the process.

Instead of praise for my sacrifice, I heard complaints from my soulmate, and it hurt. I was afraid to do anything wrong and endure more painful critiques, so I started walking around on eggshells. I became a ghost of empty of emotions and stuffed my feelings way down where I thought his criticisms couldn’t find them; I put my head down and stayed silent.

Unfortunately, my husband would try to find me, and his loneliness and hurt would come out unfiltered. I was so sensitive that I’d eventually blow up. Everything I’d so carefully bottled up came spewing out, leading me to defend myself and ending in an argument with a subsequent cold war. My husband’s complaints then turned to threats of leaving, and I began thinking this was the only direction this marriage was headed.

After years of researching and dabbling in Laura Doyle’s books using an on-again-off-again approach, I gained some knowledge but didn’t have a lot of consistency to my practice of the Six Intimacy Skills™.

In early 2020 my husband and I had a severe blow-up. I now found myself threatening to go, and figured I had better get some help. While I’d had some success haphazardly practicing the Intimacy Skills, this dire situation now called for an intervention.

Upon beginning coaching, the first Skill I implemented was gratitude. I struggled to express gratitude, thinking “Why would I give gratitude to a person responsible for my marital misery?” Thanking him for taking out the garbage was the first utterance I could afford without too much sacrifice. After a few times, I noticed my husband would also wipe down the counters after taking out the garbage, and I thought, “Okay, there must be something to these Skills.”

As I learned about self-care and began to get some much-needed oxygen, I noticed I no longer needed to respond to my husband’s baited complaining. I could choose virtual duct tape over my mouth and a calm utterance of “I hear you” while avoiding a significant confrontation.

Arguments were becoming less frequent, but I was nowhere near out of the woods. My husband had too much negative evidence about our past, and he was still not satisfied.

I knew I needed to go all in to pull things back from the brink and find the wife he once was so fond of. I knew becoming a Laura Doyle certified coach was my salvation and destiny.

In being coached and now as a coach, I started to take accountability for my actions. I realized I had some pretty bad habits, including lack of respect and a strong need to control, and that these tendencies weren’t easily overcome, as I had relied on them most of my life.

Once I slowed down my instincts and tapped into what I was feeling and what I wanted to feel, a small pause appeared, an opening that brought about the change I needed in my marriage. I show up as a calmer and more confident wife, mother, daughter, and friend.

Thankfully, there is not much talk about divorce in my marriage anymore, just I love you’s and I miss you’s. I have such respect for my husband and his needs; I can stay off his paper and just focus on mine. The controlling wife who showed up anytime I felt out of control or fearful is someone neither of us desires to have around anymore. The intimacy has been restored in our relationship, and I show up as the wife my husband always loved.

My father passed away a few weeks ago. He was the most influential man in my life, but I had another always waiting in the wings, whom I’d forgotten to let be my hero.

As I was eulogizing my father at a church service in front of 200 close family and friends, I told a story about how my dad cried when my husband asked whether he could marry me. I told my dad in the eulogy that I knew his tears were not because I picked the wrong person but his relief someone else was taking his post. I told him I was in great care with my husband, who always meets all my needs.

When I looked into the audience and saw my husband’s face as I was saying this, he was so shocked, I just watched him melt. It’s since been good times at my house as I see my husband showing up to talk and see what I am doing!

I am so grateful to be part of the Laura Doyle community of women on a mission to end world divorce. No one tells you how to be married and make it last with passion. I love meeting with other Laura Doyle coaches and trainees. Everyone has an amazing story, and I want to stay in their company and share experiences, which keeps me on track to fulfill my vision for my marriage.