Coach Teresa T

The Great Adventure

“I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” —Isaiah 43:19

High school sweethearts, together for nearly four years, excited and scared, we set off on the adventure of a lifetime as one. We had a whole life in front of us, full of hopes, plans and dreams.

During our first year, I realized I had made a lifelong mistake. His unexpected temper, cursing, frequent job changes, and financial handling left me feeling insecure, scared, hurt and defeated. As the years passed, I was disappointed and heartbroken. Still, my strong belief that marriage is a sacred covenant with God held me committed to him and my vows. I tried hard to be a respectful, loving and helpful wife to make him happy so I would feel loved. Instead, I often felt I was an inconvenience and unappreciated.

I focused on the kids and church, where I felt successful, happy and appreciated. I was resentful when there seemed to be plenty of time and money for the things that he wanted to do while I stayed behind to be the responsible adult and parent. I considered it normal and felt sad and lonely a lot of the time, sometimes crying myself to sleep. I felt unimportant and disregarded.

Even though we had some really fun, connecting times, I always sensed something wasn’t right. For 34 years I tried to make the best of my situation and decided this was one long dead-end feat. And when I just couldn’t hold up and nearly lost all hope of my dream, I discovered something incredible!

Now to the new adventure!

I found my way to the Six intimacy Skills™ in the book The Empowered Wife. The first Skill, self-care, seemed foreign and unnecessary, to be honest. But I soon learned that self-care was the means I needed for my successful journey with the other Skills. I became aware of my part and took responsibility for my own happiness.

I learned what respect for my husband really was. I had been disrespectful for a long time! I practiced using duct tape, being quiet when he talked and less helpful with my opinions, suggestions, ideas and solutions. I love to be a problem solver, but my husband didn’t need one. He is perfectly capable and if he needs my help, he will ask for it.

In a matter of two weeks practicing the Skills, he began making more eye contact and listening more when I talked. I was so surprised by the subtle yet huge impact this had in the atmosphere of our home.

I became hopeful. I had to keep experimenting.

My attitude began to change as I became grateful for the many things he did for me that I had taken for granted. When I began to express my gratitude, I saw evidence that he wanted to please me and be my hero and I received it graciously, something I had not been doing. I saw for the first time how I’d let his shortcomings give me permission to put conditions on my love and respect.

As I relinquished control, restored respect, and regularly expressed gratitude, he did more amazing things like changing our route when going out to eat, to go instead to a place I really love, well out of the way, or finding a beautiful card and the perfect ribbon for a friend’s wedding gift when I just wasn’t able to fit it into my schedule.

Now that we have an atmosphere of trust, he is calmer, kinder and more patient. He shares about all his plans and ideas, and I get to listen. Leaving the worry, tension and anxiety behind has freed my time, mental space and energy, so I too can be calm, kind and patient. I no longer fear, try to accommodate or prevent his moods or reactions: in other words, control.

We enjoy things together, joking and laughing often. He looks for ways to please me and listens when I express my desires about the cabin he is building on the land he bought for us in Tennessee, one of those dreams we had in the beginning. He let me pick out the perfect cabin plan then encouraged me to change it completely, even making it bigger, after I shared my desire to enjoy the gorgeous view from the living area.

Being vulnerable has been the most difficult Skill for me. I had held it together, appearing strong and certain all those years. I knew I could count on myself and I taught everyone else to do the same. As I created safety for my husband, that is what I received.

Now I really have a gentle and quiet spirit. I vulnerably express my desires, limits, inabilities, sadness and conflicting desires while being completely accepted. I feel seen, heard, loved and cherished.

Continuing on to a great adventure!

After a few weeks with the Skills, I began the challenge of listing my desires. I sat with the empty paper and cried. I had no idea what I wanted!

I soon identified a desire in my heart, as impossible as it seemed, to join Relationship Coach Training. The positive changes that had occurred so quickly made me want to excel on the deepest level, and I was excited to think how fulfilling and rewarding it would be to empower and give hope to other women.

This Training has been my most influential life adventure so far. I now have peace and confidence in myself and my ability, like never before, to be a dignified woman. I am most grateful for my closer walk with God while participating in the coursework. In addition, I have contentment and am honored by the great man I chose all those years ago.

Now, as one, we have a whole life in front of us, full of hopes, plans and dreams.