Coach Tess

Finding True North

I always imagined a knight in shining armour would gallop in on a white horse to heroically rescue me. Cliché, I know, but normal for a 16 year old’s idea of romance. Ironically, my boyfriend at the time did visit me on his white horse, but he wasn’t to be my knight–cars were just rather expensive those days.

When I met Dave at a friend’s party, I was so attracted to him: He was handsome, intelligent and very assertive. As our whirlwind love stories went, he left the life of a 21-year-old bachelor and moved over 200 kilometers away to live with me and a single bed!

I felt so in love with him. He showered me with constant affection, never missing a moment to say “I love you”.

Despite all this–being safe, loved and protected–I had difficulty showing my vulnerability. I’d created a barrier that not even a knight could charge through.

During Dave’s long work shifts offshore, I’d hang out for our regular phone calls. I remember he returned once, wrapped his arms around me and admitted he’d “skip to the phone smiling”, so happy that I was in his life. I retorted, “You’re just saying that”, not realising I was rejecting his intimacy.

Undeserved self-doubt manifested the ever-painful comparisons to other women. At a party one evening, Dave sought out the one woman I thought I wasn’t. aughing at his jokes, she wore boots as long as my legs. The jealousy tore through me, leading to a roller-coaster evening of my sulking and Dave’s vain attempts to reassure me.

That certainly wasn’t a one-off.

That insecurity only brought out my childhood pleasing gene more. Dave would ask if I wanted to go to the movies or what I wanted for dinner; I’d just turn the question back on him: “But what do you want?”

I had found this incredible man, but I couldn’t let him please me. I didn’t know how to.

Things escalated when we added three rambunctious sons into the mix and our different parenting styles emerged. All of a sudden, I was trying to “improve” his fathering techniques.

I would get used to being a single parent during the weeks he was offshore. On his homecoming there were lots of beautiful presents and gorgeous love-making, but before long I would become prickly.

He’d want to have his rightful input like ensuring the family were all seated before eating and, in turn, I would roll my eyes when the tension started to rise.

Those arguments created a cold war at nights that stole any intimacy. Even our bed became a lonely place. Warming to him was the last thing I’d want to do. I’d think in those moments that, if only Dave changed, we would have the perfect marriage.

I didn’t have the 6 Intimacy Skills™ then, so instead I employed numerous marriage counsellors and therapies in the hope my husband would see the world through my eyes. Instead of turning toward me, he turned away for support and respect.

Rock bottom came the day Dave told me he’d fallen in love with another woman. The conversation was quiet.

I was heartbroken and overwhelmed by turmoil. I mean, he was the man for me and I didn’t want to lose him.

Dave loved me and later told me he admired how calm I was expressing my feelings and not blaming him. I was practising the Intimacy Skills without knowing it back then.

With a deep passion for self-development, I became determined to reignite the passion we’d had in our early 20s. I started biting my tongue, criticisms became compliments and things improved. Dave felt deeply respected by my attitude, yet I still never knew about the Skills.

It was another twenty years before I read very liberating and illuminating lines from Laura Doyle’s free online group. I bought the books.

I started off small. I never wanted to be his mother, so I let his pile of folded washing build up, which felt exceptionally uncomfortable. When he returned from an offshore shift one day, he cheekily pointed out that he “got the picture”.

As I studied more, I understood what it meant to be responsible for my own self-worth and happiness. I’m not saying I don’t have moments of insecurity–I’m only human. Now though, if jealousy ever rears its ugly head when Dave is having a conversation with another woman, I can tell myself it will only bring us closer.

How Dave thinks and does things is on his paper. Relinquishing control of that has created so much emotional safety where we have warm intimate conversations and he shares his life with me.

I have found the courage to express Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecies more and more. Recently I said to my husband “I love the way you use your hands. They always look so classy whatever you do”.

An hour later I got a lovely cuddle and a sexy slap on the bottom. This is the playful intimacy that was not only promised with the Skills but that I’d always dreamed of.

In contrast to those lonely nights in bed together, I now find myself being vulnerable, whispering loving desires in his ear without expectation, to which he always responds passionately and romantically.

I’m still not a perfect wife and when I do become a porcupine, apologising can feel like swallowing sawdust, but the gift of restoring intimacy is as sweet as honey. Not only does Dave feel respected, but I no longer hop into bed with guilt from unresolved conflict, which was usually over my rash words spat out in anger anyway.

As you can tell, this was a revelation I couldn’t keep to myself. I was so in awe of what Laura Doyle’s 6 Intimacy Skills delivered, I resolved to go deeper and complete my Relationship Coach Training.

Aptly, it was during a Discovery Call to explore that vision that I decided I would have faith over fear and express my desire to Dave.

Thanks in part to his support, sharing the Skills warms me to the core. Nothing makes me feel more alive and inspired than watching my nieces, friends and strangers become empowered women in loving relationships.

Well, actually, there is one thing, and his name is Dave. A knight also known as my husband who rides a Lexus rather than a horse, but whom I’d gallop away with anywhere.