Coach Whitney

Uncovering What Was Already There

My therapist mailed me a copy of Laura Doyle’s book The Empowered Wife with a note saying how it had changed her marriage and she was excited to share “the skills” with me. Honestly, I put that book up on a shelf and thought to myself, “I have done enough changing; it’s my husband’s turn!”

For years I had been unhappy and unsatisfied with our marriage. My husband seemed angry so much of the time. I dreaded seeing his car in the driveway when I pulled in. It was as if our whole house were covered by a wet blanket of stress, regret, and hopelessness. Many days I felt lonely, unsupported, and unloved. I recall thinking, “How can he say he loves me yet treat me the way he does?” At my worst I felt worthless as a wife and incompetent as a mom. I knew I was anxious but didn’t realize I lived in fear almost daily, and I could not change it.

I spent so much time taking my husband’s inventory, finding fault in most everything he did. He would do or say something, and I would think, “See, I know he doesn’t love me.” I felt like I had another child (and often treated him like one). I did not trust him to do things. From loading the dishwasher to making major parental decisions, I knew best.

I had no idea that I had contributed so much to what was wrong with our marriage!

Then I read the book, and the day came when I consciously did not react. I did not say anything about what was happening. I calmly walked outside and took in the afternoon sunshine. Soon, my husband reappeared. He seemed different. He was not stressed, and it was as if nothing had happened!

It was then I began to see how I was actually getting in the way of my own happiness. All of the times I asked whether everything was okay, offered unsolicited advice or gave helpful instruction came off as criticism and a lack of trust and respect for the capable man I’d married.

I began to surrender.

Instead of waiting for my husband to change, I started giving myself what I wanted to receive from him. I found acceptance, approval, and validation by filling my own cup up with lots of self-care and gratitude.

I commenced my mission to flip everything I saw him doing wrong and to find something right about it. I stopped focusing on all the things I did not like and began looking for the ways he was showing up as the man I wanted. I had completely taken for granted the innumerable ways he did show up as a good man. When I looked at things from his perspective, he was showing his love for me in numerous ways. I just never saw it.

I stopped trying to control how my husband displays his love for me, and instead I changed how I received it. New life came into our marriage. I discovered I am responsible for my own happiness and what I focus on increases. I now spend as much time as I used to complaining and finding fault on finding evidence for what is going right.

My whole world looks different. I am married to a different man! I am happy again, and I feel like a cherished, adored wife.

My husband responded to the new, happier, and more confident me by showing up in the ways I had always wanted! He now affirms me in my role as a mom, comforts me when I am vulnerable, and walks around the house happy! I feel relaxed and able to be myself without walking on eggshells to avoid an argument or being criticized. I am at ease at home. Even the air space in our house feels different. The air is warm, comforting, peaceful, and more loving. I am looking forward to the future and how much better things will get!

I had a vision of what I thought my marriage would look like at 24 years—an authentic connection abounding with laughter and peace—but it used to not look that way. Today my reality looks more like what I imagined: A man who unloads groceries without being asked, a father who loves and supports his children unconditionally, and a husband who wants to please me and goes out of his way to do so has resurfaced.

Had I not found the Six Intimacy Skills™ to help me uncover all of the evidence of how he was showing up in our marriage, I would still be miserable and futilely trying to change him. I surrendered changing my husband. Instead I focus on making myself happy. He is free to be himself.

The best part is it turns out he is still the caring, loving, supportive man I thought I had lost; I had just gotten in the way of all of it.

Through the Skills I’ve created emotional safety where I am able to express myself authentically and he can too. Instead of spending needless time and energy worrying and trying to control how he feels and what he thinks, I spend that time and energy on activities that bring me joy and peace. We both win. He gets to be him, and I get to be me.

Second-guessing my husband by voicing my concerns cost me precious intimacy and caused more damage than the actual outcomes did. Without intimacy our marriage was not going to survive. The Skills have given me the freedom to choose the intimacy I crave over the control I only think I have. Fears, real and perceived, no longer dominate our connection.

I know that having a coach helped me master these miraculous Skills and create the type of intimacy in our marriage that will weather whatever storm may come our way.