Coach Cristie

Intimacy Revival

Rusty and I have always had a happy marriage. 

We communicated well, were on the same page with parenting our four kids, attended church together, and laughed a lot.

We didn’t really argue, because he simply wasn’t willing to!  He would separate himself for a time to think things over, then he would return and apologize for his contribution to the problem.  I wasn’t good at apologizing.  We would tease that I was like the Fonz on the old show Happy Days.  The Fonz would try to say “I’m sorry,” but the words just wouldn’t come out of his mouth.

Though I had many reasons to respect and admire my husband, I spent a lot of time focused on what I thought were his shortcomings.  I was stingy with my gratitude and compliments, hoping that he would “improve.” 

When I saw ways he was different from me, I believed his way was bad and my way was good.  Especially when it came to productivity!  I am a type A, get-it-done gal.  I don’t sit down until all the work is done.  Does that ever happen?  My husband was relaxed and knew how to take a load off.  I labeled this “lazy” in my mind, and I was resentful.  My mind said over and over, “It must be nice to relax on the couch while I do EVERYTHING!”  He would invite me to sit with him and watch a movie, but I was too busy!  I felt sorry for myself because I worked so hard and had so little fun.

The intimacy in our marriage had been disintegrating for a while. 

I would go to bed early to read a book or watch a show.  My husband would stay on the couch until after I was asleep and then come to bed.  There was no cuddling, no kissing, nothing.  He was not interested in me physically.  I felt so rejected and alone.

I wanted more intimacy but used all the wrong tactics to get it.  I complained, I insisted we see counselors, I pushed him to see a doctor, I bought him supplements.  I was convinced the problem was all his.  

We were still mostly happy, but I felt like I was withering away without his physical touch and closeness.  I wondered if it would be this way forever.

Every time I brought up the subject, it went very badly, until finally, after years of this same discussion, he said he would leave me if I ever brought it up again.  He expressed his frustration of never being able to make me happy and offered to let me find someone else who could.  I was stunned!  How could he even suggest such a thing?

That was not what I wanted, so I began searching for a solution.

I found Laura Doyle’s Five-Day Challenge in January of 2021 and signed up.  I began reading her book now entitled The Empowered Wife.  The book and the Challenge were eye-opening and different from anything else I had read about marriage. 

I began to see my part in the issues we were facing.  It was painful to see yet filled me with HOPE!  I knew I was willing to change and now I had the information I needed to make the changes!

I learned that I had not been pleasable and that I was waiting for my husband to make me happy.

I began to express my gratitude for the things he did for our family.  When I was tuned in to find these things, I found more than I ever imagined!  I made a list of things I enjoyed doing and started to make myself happy!  I began to be quieter, to listen more, to pause and remind myself, “I don’t have to have an opinion about everything!”  I recognized the ways I had been controlling my husband and my kids.  

I even learned how to apologize.  

The Six Intimacy Skills™ began to bear fruit almost immediately!

I choose to show up happy, to believe the best about him, to be thankful for all he does, to admire the choices he makes and the way he leads our family.  I am easy to please!  I am more and more aware of my word choices, my facial expressions, and my attitude. 

Today my marriage feels simple and sweet.

I know how to handle situations to hold on to the intimacy I’ve gained.  My husband feels safe with me and we can talk about anything—including our intimacy! 

We are enjoying each other and our family.  Every change I’ve made because of the Intimacy Skills has resulted in more love and joy from my spouse!  I am cherished, adored, and desired!

Becoming a coach was a big decision and investment for me. 

Practicing these Skills and diving deep into Laura Doyle’s coaching methodology have forced me to learn and practice this material for nearly two years now.  I have learned so much and grown exponentially!  I see the difference not only in my marriage but in all my relationships.  I am so pleased to share that the Skills have even enabled me to mend a broken relationship with my brother!

I am excited to use this experience to work towards ending world divorce!