Coach Esther

Angry and Resentful
How Did I Get Here?

It’s 2 a.m., and my mind will not stop racing. I’m almost 28. If I leave him today, maybe I could find someone else before I turn 30. If I give it more time, it’ll be impossible over 30 with two kids.

Look at him, he’s snoring and in his seventh dream. He doesn’t even care that I told him I’m done.

I’m seething. I’m humiliated. I’m so so upset. How did I get here?

Earlier that night, my husband made a comment that didn’t sit well with me at my parents’ dinner table. I tried to make myself smaller, embarrassed by what he said. I noticed my family looking at us—awkward and uncomfortable. I defiantly raised my shoulders, “Do you see how he speaks to me?”

I was working full-time, plus nights as a freelance editor, and I was a mother to two little boys. I was completely depleted, and unappreciated to boot. I felt like a martyr—sad and angry. How dare he?

It wasn’t always this way.

When we first got married, I remember everyone used to laugh and think we were riots with our sarcastic banter. Esther and Jack, they’re hilarious! What a pair. As the years went by, our sarcasm stayed, but it became laced with resentment and irritation. It was super uncomfortable and hurtful, and people noticed.

It became a cycle. He would treat me badly in front of others, and I would point out how he hurt me when we got home, because, hello, I had social skills. When I did this, I felt he wouldn’t listen and had shuttered eyes. I couldn’t understand why. I felt unheard, unloved, lost, and so lonely.

I tried therapy, but she looked at me, eyes full of pity, and told me she couldn’t help me if he wasn’t going to do his part. To be honest, she wasn’t a good therapist anyway.

So there I was, in bed, angry and resentful, and a vision quickly flashed behind my eyes: me, dropping my kids at whatever apartment he’d be living in. And that broke me. My poor babies, I can’t do this to them.
But I felt frantic. My 28th birthday was rapidly approaching, and I began to feel an urgency like I was wasting my 20s on a man who’d never change.

As a last-ditch effort, I went to the one person who loves him unconditionally, who knows him and his qualities, both good and bad. I went to my mother-in-law.

I was sitting on her basement couch while my two kids played with toys on the carpet, and I broke down and cried these awful, ugly sobs.

I mourned the eight years I had lost, married to a man I blamed for my unhappiness. I grieved at the thought of my children being raised in two homes. I cried for Esther, the girl who gave away pieces of herself to care for everyone and who had no one to take care of her.

With empathy and zero judgment, my mother-in-law told me about a book that had changed her friend’s life, called The Surrendered Wife, and she gave me a phone number for a private coach and handed me an envelope full of cash to pay for it.

I had just cried my eyes out to her about her son and told her I was ready to leave him, and there she was, rooting for me, and rooting for my marriage. And I felt hope. I knew then, things really might be okay.

Soon after that, I connected with my coach, Chana. She was understanding and soothing, but also so bubbly and upbeat about love and life in general, and I wanted what she had!

I’m a very intellectual person, and when Chana explained each logical Intimacy Skill on our calls, they made sense to me, like math.

One of my mother’s favorite stories to tell is that my second grade teacher called her to say, “We already have a teacher in the classroom. Esther doesn’t have to be one too!” It’s in my nature, I’m uptight. So relinquishing control was one of the first Skills I tried. Everything on the tip of my tongue sounded like control or disapproval. I needed to do a lot of work to rewire my brain and tamp down that instinct to criticize.

A month or so in, I had a little aha moment. It was two days before Passover, a time when Jewish homes are to be free of leavened grains. My toddler asked for a snack, and my husband handed him a Nature Valley Bar on my recently cleaned living room couch. I was in the kitchen overhearing, horrified. How did that thing even get into my house! It’s sooo crumby, what about eating it outside? Or how about literally any other snack?

Every muscle in my body clenched. I wanted a happy, respectful marriage that my kids could look up to, and I knew it would cost me that connection if I said these things. My toddler ate the granola bar, and, of course, got it everywhere. Relinquishing control, I held my tongue and didn’t throw any looks at my husband.

From the corner of my eye, I saw him pass me on the way to the basement and heard him dragging the vacuum upstairs. The vacuum! I didn’t even know he knew where it was! He started vacuuming the couch cushions, not realizing there was a wand, and picking up the entire machine to clean the crumbs off the couch. Instead of correcting him, I was able to appreciate that he gave my son a snack and that he took the initiative to clean it up without my “helpful,” yet critical, commentary. Laughing and happy, I quickly snapped a video and sent it to my coach, and we celebrated my special win.

I’m thrilled to say my household is now filled with the humor and lightness that I’d really missed!! We’re back to being the silly, witty couple that everyone enjoys having around.

There are new feelings of respect, trust, accountability, and passion. My husband is in tune with my feelings and generously prioritizes my wants and needs over his own. He is warm and sweet, he is strong and dependable, he loves me, and I trust him with my life.

All along, my husband had been an amazing man, and after shifting my focus and taking charge of my own happiness, I am so lucky to finally get to appreciate him.

I decided to become a coach to spread the joy, the love, and the hope. Private coaching on Laura Doyle’s 6 Intimacy Skills™ is unlike anything I’ve ever tried. I’m no longer looking at my 30s like they’re an expiration date for my youth. Instead, I feel excited to experience life with a whole new mindset of happiness, satisfaction, fulfillment, and deep connections with, not only my husband, but all the people in my life.