Coach Kauthar

From Darkness to Light: Learning What Respect Looks Like To Men

After my marriage of fifteen years ended, I remarried. My new husband was younger than me.

A year later, my son’s dear father died on New Year’s Day 2017. It was a devastating blow to my son, who loved his father so much, and to so many of us.

In the early hours one morning in 2021, five years into the new marriage, I realised my marriage wasn’t what I’d thought it was. Then it became a total nightmare.

I had lost all trust and respect for my husband.

The next few months were like being on a roller coaster.

One minute I was shouting, screaming, swearing, and raging at my husband.

The next minute I would feel so much remorse, regret, confusion, and love for him.

I started thinking everyone was right: there’s no way this marriage could work—how could I have been so stupid to marry a younger man?!

Because of the Covid lockdowns I was working from home.

There was no separation between work and home life any more.

I would struggle out of bed, start working in my pyjamas or some other stay-at-home clothes. And not even bother to comb my hair.

My husband would want to spend time with me and I would say, “I can’t—I’ve got to work” and just carry on working, sometimes until one in the morning.

Unbeknownst to me, I had started perimenopause, which included my having electric-shock-like head pains, fatigue, mood swings, feeling very low, and brain fog. This was all caused by lack of estrogen in my body, and I had no idea the impact it was having on my behaviour and marriage.

In addition, my lack of knowledge about what constituted respect in a man’s eyes was disastrous.

I had left home at the age of seventeen and had always been independent, earning my own money, having my own home, doing things the way I wanted to. I didn’t even realise how stuck in my ways and ill informed I was when it came to the husband-and-wife relationship.

My marriage was no exception.

I believed it was my job to teach my husband everything, including how to hang clothes, whether that be on the radiators or the washing line, how to make the bed, how to do the washing up, how to pack the shopping, and what to do with his money, to name a few.

I thought I was being a good wife.

My older sister commented on a couple of occasions, “You are like a mother to your husband”. At the time I had no idea what she was talking about and that she was right.

I was in so much physical and mental pain that on two occasions I fell down. With my head and hands on the floor, I cried uncontrollably. My husband found me and I blamed him for the state I was in.

Unfortunately I also dragged my son into my marital problems.

I started putting my husband down in front of my son.

I started complaining about my husband to my son.

I started being disrespectful to my husband in front of my son.

On a couple of occasions I was raging at my husband at 11.30 at night and my son said, “Mum, it’s 11.30. The neighbours will hear”.

I didn’t care and carried on. I was so out of control.

I would disregard my husband and his opinions, contributions, and authority.

This destroyed my son’s relationship with my husband.

It got to the point where one day my son gave me an ultimatum and said, “Mum, either he leaves or I’m leaving—I can’t take this anymore “.

I loved my son and husband so much and felt like my head was going to explode with the stress of having to choose. I didn’t want to lose my son, and I didn’t want to lose my husband.

It was then that I remembered my Quran teacher mentioning Laura Doyle in class. So I bought one of Laura’s books and started reading it. That’s when I realised my contribution to the state of my marriage.

I then joined the Laura Doyle Essentials group and upgraded to the Ridiculously Happy Wife group, where I started going on the live group coaching calls.

I then also enrolled in the Relationship Coach Certification programme and whilst waiting for the course to start I was given access to the RHW group and joined approximately 70% of the fourteen live group coaching calls per week.

I also booked two private coaching sessions with a Laura Doyle certified coach to see what they were like.

This is all known as the Laura Doyle Connection Framework.

I started using some of the skills Laura’s books, coaching and Connection Framework suggested, including smiling at my husband, saying “I hear you”, apologising when I was disrespectful, showing I was pleasable, and expressing gratitude.

I knew the skills were working when one day my husband came to see me at work. I was expecting him to be cold and distant, as I had asked him to leave our matrimonial home after the ultimatum from my son and as a result my husband was staying at his parents’. In my husband’s eyes, this was one of the most dishonourable things I could have forced him to do.

I decided I would smile at him. So when he came through the door I smiled. Lo and behold, he was so loving and affectionate in response—I couldn’t believe it.

I am still married to my wonderful husband. We live together and celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary a few months ago.

My marriage is better than it’s ever been, with God’s grace.

I now make a conscious effort to be respectful to my husband

Instead of complaining, I express my desires.

I take into account what my husband wants and respect his choices.

I listen to his opinions.

I value his contributions, whether small or big, be they financial, practical, or otherwise.

I respect his authority as the head of the household, the man of the house, and I always try to be in my feminine role rather than masculine.

My private coach told me that in America under the law a wife cannot be compelled to speak against her husband. We both agreed marriage is sacred, and this made sense.

I no longer discuss my marriage or my husband with my son or my sister. I no longer treat my son as my personal counsellor and try not to burden him.

I value the sanctity of my marriage, and I honour my husband.

I now love to share what being a respectful wife means to me and how that has brought me peace of mind and contentment.

I hope my story gives you hope that you too can turn your marriage around and you can strive to become a more respectful, fulfilled, and happy wife.