Coach Kristin

From Roommates to Romance: My Journey Back to Intimacy

If you had told 17-year-old me that love would one day feel lonely, I would have laughed.

I was head over heels for Craig from the moment we started dating in high school. He was ambitious, smart, and confident. His sense of humor was the perfect match to my more serious side. I believed with all my heart that marriage would only deepen the love we shared.

I dreamed of a life filled with laughter, connection, and partnership.

After we got married, life got busy—fast. Craig worked long hours, pushing hard toward his goals, providing for our family. I told myself this was what good men do.

Still, I couldn’t shake the loneliness.

Nights stretched long as I sat alone, folding laundry or watching TV, wondering what had happened to “us.” We were in the same house, but it often felt like we were living in different worlds. We had good times but lacked any real tools to communicate when problems arose.

We did what we had seen modeled growing up: get quiet, avoid each other for a season, and after a while pretend things were fine. 

Not exactly a recipe for intimacy.

Then came the babies—sweet, precious blessings—but also exhausting. I gave everything I had to our three kids. Every ounce of energy, patience, and attention went into being a stay-at-home mom.

I managed the home, the meals, the appointments, the church volunteering…everything. I was spinning so many plates and felt exhausted. 

I spent all my time giving to everyone around me…but my tank was empty. I felt invisible, and as the kids started moving out on their own, I wondered what my purpose would be afterward.  

We often ended up in cold wars over big and small conflicts. We just didn’t know how to resolve issues when they came up. I would say, “We need to talk,” and then we’d go on for hours. At the end, we’d be frustrated and no closer to any resolution. 

I just knew there had to be a way to communicate better.

I was sure the problem was him.

I started reading marriage books. Listening to podcasts. Taking online classes. I even went to counseling. Everything I heard said that both husband and wife needed to work on the relationship.

He wasn’t interested in going to counseling.

I felt like I was going through life in the dark, repeatedly bumping into things, unsure where to go next.  

As a Christian, I took my vows seriously. Divorce wasn’t something I ever considered—I meant it when I promised “for better or worse.”

But deep inside, I felt hopeless.

I didn’t want to leave, but I also didn’t want to keep living in a marriage that felt so empty. I loved my husband, but I didn’t feel loved by him.

I was stuck, and nothing seemed to change.

Then I found The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle. One headline nearly jumped off the page at me: “Change your marriage without your man’s conscious effort.”

I stared at it, wondering: Could that even be possible?

I was skeptical—but desperate enough to try.

When I discovered the Six Intimacy Skills™, it felt like someone had finally flipped on the lights. Suddenly, I could see clearly—how to show respect, how to honor my husband, how to relinquish control, and most importantly, how to open my heart to receive love again.

 It was like finding the missing puzzle pieces I didn’t even know I was searching for.

The first Skill was self-care, and honestly, I was embarrassed by how foreign it felt. I had completely lost touch with who I was outside of being a wife and mother.

I didn’t even know what I liked to do anymore…or maybe I never even had? I started small—taking bubble baths, going for walks, reading fiction again, and scheduling coffee dates with women who uplifted me. 

As I began to care for myself, something beautiful happened: I started getting in touch with who I was outside of what I could accomplish.

Next came communication: I replaced defensiveness and criticism with simple, powerful phrases  like “I hear you.” At first, it felt awkward, like speaking a new language. But I noticed that when I stopped trying to correct or control, Craig opened up more.

He didn’t need fixing—he needed respect. And when I gave him that, I saw glimpses of the man I’d fallen in love with.

Another Skill I learned was relinquishing control. I had spent so many years managing every detail of our home and finances—the meals, the checkbook, the schedules—that it started to bleed into how I interacted with Craig.

I found myself commenting on how he drove, what he ate, even how much pancake syrup he used! It’s humbling to admit, but I was micromanaging the man I loved.

No wonder he was spending more and more time at work, which was probably the only place he felt free and respected. The truth is, no one had ever taught me what real respect looked like. 

Laura’s teaching helped me see that trusting my husband’s thinking showed respect.

Respect also looked like expecting the best from my husband.

Letting go of control felt scary at first, but it opened the door to a new kind of peace in our home…and in my heart.

Another Skill that rocked my world was learning to shift my focus through respect. I’d spent years mentally listing everything Craig wasn’t doing. But what if I looked for what he was doing right?

I also started thanking him for keeping the cars running well and working hard to provide for us. I complimented him—just because. Slowly, the atmosphere in our home began to thaw.

 Laughter, eye contact, inside jokes resurfaced.

And then, something unexpected happened. While we were at a social event with friends. Craig suddenly swooped me backward and planted a big kiss on me—in front of everyone! Someone even snapped a picture!

I was stunned by the bold, playful gesture—an unexpected Hallmark moment!

In that instant, I knew the romance was back. We weren’t just surviving marriage anymore—we were truly connecting.

My heart felt full in a way I hadn’t experienced in years.

I also rediscovered something deeply spiritual: my identity as a woman uniquely created by God. I’d been so lost in the chaos of marriage and motherhood that I forgot God delights in me—not just as a wife or a mom—but as me.

That truth has become my anchor.

I no longer need Craig or anyone else to feel okay so that I can feel okay. My joy comes from something deeper now. I wasn’t made to only take care of everyone else; I could also receive love and just rest in it.

And here’s something I never expected: nearly 30 years into our marriage, I became a Certified Laura Doyle Relationship Coach. I would have never imagined that the hardest seasons in my own marriage would become the foundation for my greatest calling.

Today, I have the incredible honor of helping other women reignite the intimacy in their marriages. Women who are right where I was—not sure how much longer they can go on feeling so disconnected.

Here’s the truth I discovered: It’s not about fixing our husbands. It’s about transforming ourselves, and that’s when everything changes.

If you’re reading this and you’re in that lonely, exhausted, roommate phase, I want you to know: you are not alone, and it doesn’t have to stay this way.

There is hope.

You can reconnect. You can rediscover joy. You can feel cherished again.

I’m living proof.