Coach Nicole

Painful to Playful

One day, a boy I barely knew told me God had told him in a dream that he was going to marry me!

I was a little freaked out, but also intrigued. After asking me on a date for years, I finally said yes and six months after that date, that boy became my husband! We were young, naive and so in love that we thought nothing could ever shake us.

I learned quickly that the young love feeling isn’t enough to hold together a marriage long-term. It was going to take time, work and skills that we just didn’t have.

I couldn’t figure out why we were always fighting. We’d had a good first few years, and even after that we would have good moments and even good days, but most of this marriage was plagued by feelings of abandonment and emotional turmoil. I felt like I was a stranger in my own home and living with a roommate.

I knew there was more to marriage and that I wanted connection and passion, but I had no idea how to get there. I knew what type of marriage I longed for, and I knew this wasn’t it. I kept pushing forward and trying a lot of approaches to make my marriage better and get what I wanted, but none of them worked.

One day, it all came crashing down. I found emails that revealed my deepest fears.

I was devastated.

How was this the same man I’d married? Everything I had feared was staring me in the face. Even though behind the feeling of anger was deep hurt, I didn’t let him see that vulnerable side of me. Instead, I let loose my anger on him.

I said I was done. I didn’t want to live like this anymore.

That is, until he told me he was done too. I was so confused. I thought I was the one ending things here?! I thought I was the one who was the perfect spouse and innocent and he was the screwup who didn’t deserve my respect or my love. He should be begging at my feet… yet he wasn’t.

I was faced with the harsh reality that maybe I hadn’t been the “perfect” wife. Maybe I didn’t know how to be a wife at all. It absolutely devastated me.

This sent me down a long journey of facing things about myself that hurt. I was led to a book called The Empowered Wife and found insights there I had never heard before. It was the first time I had read something that told me if I wanted to work on my marriage after infidelity, that was commendable. Everyone seemed to think I should throw in the towel after what I’d been through, but my heart was telling me otherwise.

I learned about being on the fence, and how to ask myself daily if I wanted to stay in this marriage. The answer kept being yes… so I kept practicing all these new skills I was learning.

It felt really strange at first, especially the duct tape. I was so used to telling my husband my every opinion and every critique.

But my biggest hurdle was getting over the feeling that I was the only one working on this marriage and my husband just got to enjoy the fruits of this new happy wife he was getting. It would make me angry and then I would resort back to my old ways for a time, waking up with emotional hangovers and plaguing myself with Needless Emotional Turmoil.

Then I started to realize maybe these 6 Intimacy Skills™ aren’t just for my husband, maybe they’re for me too. The more skillful I showed up, the better I felt about myself.

The more I got on my own paper, the more my own life started to flourish and become beautiful and I was magnetic again. My dignity came back, and over time, he started to mirror me. He would choose to hang out with me without me pouting or claiming we never spend time together. He started to plan dates and even took me on my dream vacation to Hawaii for our ninth anniversary.

One evening, after we put the baby to bed, he began cleaning up the toys and dinner. I thanked him and told him how grateful I was for the help, and I could see in his eyes how happy it made him to simply make me happy. Before I knew it, we were tossing a little volleyball back and forth in the living room and laughing and dodging the ball. I remember stopping to think, wait, are we being… playful?!

The playful, affectionate, happy feeling I felt when I first married him was back. Almost nine years later! I felt so grateful in that moment.

That wasn’t the only thing to return—I returned! My playful, innocent, feminine self was back, thanks to the Skills squashing that scared, controlling, fearful girl inside me. My self-respect returned as I relinquished control and learned what respect for my man looks like.

Now, not only is my marriage totally different, but all of my relationships are different. I don’t try to control my friends or my sister or my mom. I know they are the experts on their own lives, just like I was and am. I am more vulnerable with close friends who told me they’d never seen me cry or be vulnerable before. I am closer to everyone in my life, closer to myself, and closer to God.

I feel a peace knowing that if I don’t try to control every aspect of life, it will still go on! And it can still be good!

I am so grateful the Skills came into my life, and so is my husband. When he saw my transformation, he didn’t bat an eye when I asked him to pay for Relationship Coach Training for me. He still reminds me often that I’m going to help change the lives of many women.

And we still play volleyball in the living room.