Coach Virginia

To Heal and Grow in Love

When I look at my husband, I can’t help but feel amazed at how far we have come, how much we have changed and how much better our relationship has become!

Our relationship started to go south after the kids were born. He complained that he was not my priority anymore and I complained that he worked too much and seldom got involved in parenting (well… “my parenting”). I started to feel that he was not interested in being intimate with me and I became very worried. The more suspicious I became, the more controlling I became. 

Finally, he dropped the bomb and told me he was not in love with me anymore, that he no longer felt attracted to me either. My heart was broken and my self-confidence shattered.

We went for couples counseling. It was then I learnt about his inner thoughts and how dissatisfied he felt towards our marriage. I was so shocked and scared hearing all these. My greatest fear was that he would leave me and our two young children. I went into depression, insomnia, flashbacks and multiple health problems. 

I felt like I was living in hell! I doubted whether there could be any light at the end of this dark tunnel. 

Every time we went for couples counseling, he repeated the same grievances and I cried, feeling very sad and betrayed. It was almost like a script! 

Until one day, I realized that we had been repeating the same script over and over again at the therapist’s office. I told myself that’s enough. I wouldn’t act that way anymore. It was not helpful. If he repeated the same grievances, I wouldn’t cry or argue. I would just listen and listen really carefully. 

During the next couples counseling session, he repeated the same grievances and he wanted me to be more “needy” but not “clingy”. I had no clue what he meant. So, I googled “how to be a needy woman” and found Laura’s books. I felt like hitting a jackpot as I read The Empowered Wife. 

I finally found my answers! Now, everything made sense and I knew what to do.

The first thing I did after reading The Empowered Wife was to write down my self-care list and dive into self-care. I used to do all these for my husband as a way to please him or for revenge—to spend all his money. I had never thought of doing them for myself! 

I went cycling along the coast one day. I had a good time and I realized that I should be the one responsible for my own happiness instead of relying on him to make me happy. That day, my mindset shifted and I became accountable for my actions and happiness. 

I learned to apologize sincerely to clean up my side of the street. I relinquished control of how he handles the children, how he uses his screen time and his money. 

I started to receive graciously and thank him genuinely and let him know that he is my hero! One night, he came home from work. He opened the door and sang Mariah Carey’s song “There’s a hero…” 

I have to thank COVID too for saving my marriage. Because of COVID, we stayed home and interacted with each other more often. So I used the 6 Intimacy Skills™ to listen, and to empathize instead of giving him advice. 

My best Skills, which are the ones he loves most, are gratuities and Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecies. He finds me attractive and feminine once again. Sometimes, he teases and asks me what witchcraft I have been practicing. I respond with a smile and tell him I am practicing surrendering. He really loves this playful side of us and the Intimacy Skills!

After one year of practicing the Skills in the Ridiculously Happy Wives Program, I signed up for Relationship Coach Training wanting to learn more and how. I was very impressed by the support and the fellowship of like-minded women to keep our marriages strong and ridiculously happy. 

I learned the Intimacy Skills on a much deeper level. 

These Skills are for us to create love, confidence and safety for ourselves. With these, emotional safety can be established and intimacy flourishes. I become more accountable and dignified. I am more ready to reach out to my husband and even my children to clean up my side of the street. 

I learned that surrendering is not about being a doormat or being manipulative. It is about surrendering my fear and placing faith over fear, trusting myself and enabling myself to bring out the best in me. 

And that is both fascinating and empowering!

Nowadays, I am no longer fearful of my husband leaving me. I have gained a lot of confidence in my body image and I love myself and find myself attractive. In short, I trust my husband. I am not scared of him or his thoughts and I know I am lovable. We still have conflicts but we take much less time to resolve them. Our harmony and intimacy have been restored. As our relationship improves, the family dynamics also improve and we are much closer to each other and our children compared to the bad old days. 

I have also found a community to support my journey, which is a great help to me. I have also let go of my resentment of the past hurt and pain. I feel truly liberated and empowered!