Coach Vonny

Pouring Out the Old, Embracing the New:

My Marriage Transformation

By Coach Vonny

As a kid, I was watching an advert that was raising awareness for domestic violence. I’ll never forget the large powerful man, as he held his fists tightly clenched, showing off the letters L-O-V-E tattooed across his knuckles. This symbolised that in his world, physical abuse was a normal part of relationships.

I watched in pure confusion, as there’s no way to justify that behaviour—of course it’s not love to punch your wife!

Love to me was a 50/50 equal partnership, teamwork, doing everything together as “best friends”, having long, deep conversations about everything from parenting to politics and being aligned every step of the way.

And when I first met my husband that’s exactly how it felt. He’d give me anything I wanted and was so happy to do it. But somewhere along the journey he withdrew, and I became stressed and unhappy.

I was confused when he wouldn’t want to sit down to write a five-year plan, spend our weekends building a new deck or write a budget to save for our next investment property. We were incapable of logical discussions. When they got challenging or serious, I would lean in, hard, and he would pull away. It was so painful and disconnecting.

It started to feel like my teammate was my opposition. At every turn of the game, we were in conflict or he would simply shut down. With four kids in the mix I was exhausted with responsibility and started to resent his apathy.

On the outside we were winning but on the inside I felt stuck, responsible and stressed. At times it felt so infuriating that I just wanted to throw a bucket of water on him so he would see my point of view.

In fact, I did just that!

I filled a bucket, walked into the room and threw it on him. Upon realising what a mess “he” had made, I proceeded to instruct him to mop it up!

The evidence of our differences was piling up. I had no control over my frustrations and I had no control over him. What I did have was a giant mess to sort out—and it was more than just a bucket of water.

The cleanup began when my sister recommended The Empowered Wife book.  Reading through those pages, I realised I wasn’t alone. It dawned on me that perhaps my interpretation of love and respect (or lack thereof!) was contributing to our struggles.

The childhood image of that physically abusive man returned to my mind. I saw a new perspective. While he was living his life thinking the cycle of love and physical abuse was normal, I was living in my marriage being disrespectful, thinking that was normal!

With every turn of the page came another mirror moment, another internal cringe but ultimately, another inspiring reason to hope I too could transform my marriage. I wanted in on all this respect, reconnection and intimacy Laura was talking about.

I booked ten sessions with a Laura Doyle coach. It was a beautiful time of self-discovery. Not long in, I recall asking for my husband’s opinion on how we should deal with a plumbing issue at our house. I felt untrusting of his response but managed to keep my mouth shut and have a little faith. It was so much less stressful to share the responsibility, and the situation turned out even better than if I had taken control.

This was the marriage I wanted!

I was really committed but felt like I needed more help. I knew what respect meant, but without regular coaching sessions, I found myself defaulting back to my disrespectful ways in order to gain back a sense of “self”. It felt like my entire identity centred on control and I was losing it! I needed to dive deeper.

One day I expressed my desire to my husband to enroll in Relationship Coach Certification. I wanted to be the best version of myself and I wanted the best relationship I could have!

What an incredibly transforming time it has been.

It is an absolute pleasure to now expect the best, not the worst. I choose intimacy over control as often as I can, by identifying my fears and choosing faith in others instead, including in my teenage men. It’s been arduous but so rewarding! Every little win is a step closer to where I want to be.

As I progressed through my journey, I surrendered control of the money—groundbreaking stuff for this self-appointed financial controller!  As well as feeling relieved from stress, I’m recreating myself and have learnt that it is not my husband’s job to fill my cup, which is now something I prioritise with pleasure. I have also found relief in knowing the only one I have to clean up after is myself.

I’m grateful and believe it’s a gift to have found the Intimacy Skills, and our kids now have the gift of seeing their parents talk to each other with respect. They see us smiling, greeting each other lovingly, having fun, and flirting.

We are defining love for our children.

I am so glad they now see me pouring on the gratitude and respect instead of a bucket full of frustration and resentment.

Now that’s what I call L-O-V-E.

Laura Doyle has shown me an alternative to what I knew. Are you content with what you know?