Coach Yuki

My Story of Transformation: Victim to Empowered Wife

While growing up, I was taught to hold onto this most important virtue: perseverance.

I believed that I would have a successful life as long as I worked hard despite all the hardships that came my way. And that was in part true; I pushed through many obstacles and was on my way to a successful career.

My husband also impressively managed to come to college despite the fact he grew up in a broken family, ran away as a teenager, never went to high school, and even experienced homelessness. When I met him in college, he was outgoing, slightly older than me with lots of real-life experiences, didn’t care what others thought of him, and appeared very confident.

I fell in love with him.

Our dating relationship quickly showed red flags of volatility, but I also saw the occasional sweet, tender boy who was not used to being loved. I decided to marry him the last year of college, without any formal ceremony. I even got a quick okay from my parents on the phone just a day prior to the signing. I was naive and young.

The next ten to fifteen years, oh how I regretted making this decision!

We would have constant fights. One day, while pregnant, I was complaining to him that he didn’t have a job. “How could you support me and this pregnancy? Should I even have this child?”

Unskilled me could not express this fear vulnerably, and everything I said was a personal attack to him. All I wanted to tell him was how scared I was, but he took it as me wanting to abort the child. This led to a big physical blowup,and I ended up calling 911 for the first time.

The EMS driver lady told me, “You need to leave this relationship. I meet nice girls like you, then next time I find her dead.”

The next morning when I was released from the ER, I wandered around the city all day with no place to go. I was told to call a domestic violence shelter, but I was too scared and confused. I eventually got in touch with him when he had just been released from jail. We apologized to each other and went back to the apartment as if nothing had happened.

I tried hard to hold on to the belief that things would get better as long as I persevered. But even after I got a better job, had beautiful children, or moved out of a city to a safer town, our fights just continued.

I was ashamed of my home life and could not tell anyone about my personal struggle. I succumbed to the popular belief that I was the victim of domestic violence by a narcissistic husband, and I could never let others know how weak I was to be staying in this relationship.

Often I found myself parked on the side of a road because I felt I had no safe place to go. Our fights were stealing smiles from our daughters, and I really didn’t know what to do. Divorce came up often, but that would have been yet another thing that would steal smiles from our daughters, so I just couldn’t.

One miserable morning, desperately looking for some sort of advice, I found Laura’s podcast. She had a brand-new episode called “How to Stop Walking on Eggshells When He Yells.” She did not shame me for continuing to be in this relationship but provided practical tips I could try.

I felt like I saw that shiny spider thread leading up to Heaven—a tiny sliver of hope.

So that night, when he started to complain about politics, I kept my duct tape on, looked in his eyes, and said “I hear you.” His face softened immediately and he thanked me for listening. I realized I had not been listening to him all these years.

When he was angry that the oven stopped working, I decided not to get on his paper to calm him down but instead took care of my happiness by taking a shower while letting him release his emotions.

I also reminded myself of that sweet tender person I’d fallen in love with, who also cares about me so much. These Skills really helped me change my mindset and assumptions about him.

How is my home life now? It’s much more peaceful now that I’ve transformed my beliefs about him.

He’s the person I married because I knew he’d make a great life for us, just as I saw him overcome so many obstacles in his childhood. He’s the strong man who never gives up, who I can rely on. He’s the sweetest loving man, who I am safe with. He’s also a mere mortal who sometimes makes mistakes even though he doesn’t want to. But he lives in the present with us and does not want to ruin it by being angry.

Because this is my husband, I behave as a grateful, respectful wife now. When we have our disagreements, they don’t evolve into huge blowups anymore because I can hear his heart messages and stay respectful. I no longer walk on eggshells because I trust he cares about me.

I’ve also learned to give myself grace, allow myself to be vulnerable and even show my imperfection at times. This allows him to show up as my hero and come rescue me!  I receive his help and advice graciously because this is yet more evidence that he cares about me.

And guess what? He started mirroring me with expressing gratitude, respect, and relinquishing control!

He thanks me often for transforming myself and he’s so grateful to have our beautiful family back. Our home is filled with laughter, hugs, respect, and peace, and I get to see huge smiles from our daughters daily now!

I feel loved and cherished, and am actually… happy!